Ron Paul to Explain to Neoconservatives The Physics of Fences

A fence. Notice how only one side is a solid.

Texas Congressman and Presidential Candidate Ron Paul has been getting a lot of press recently, from interviews to articles about his groundbreaking economic plan. A line of his from a recent debate, however, seems to not want to go away - a line concerning his stance on a border fence, where he states that fences can also be used to "keep us in."

Neo-conservatives have taken a particular disfavor to this view, them being particularly interested in building a fence on the border to keep out illegal immigrants. Mocking Dr. Paul's views, they have been quick to dismiss his views as conspiracy and foolish.

The argument, however, is less about politics and more about the science of the physics behind fences, says renowned physicist Charles Shoutjammer.

"The thing Dr. Paul fails to understand is that fences are a phenomenon in physics," he stated, leaning back into his magnetic chair. "One side of the fence is impenetrable. No illegals will get through. The other side, however, is porous - fluid, even. Americans can simply walk through just like they can now."

A physicist who supports Paul has a different view, which he thinks Paul needs to get across to the people due to it being the right view. "It's irresponsible to believe that one side of the fence is fluid," he states. "A fence is a solid that keeps people out from both sides. Dr. Paul is right that it can keep people in, particularly when being monitored by police or some sort of authority."

"Build bridges not fences."

The American people seem to be a bit confused on the subject. Although they, by a wide margin, support Paul's view on the physics of fences, many of them refuse to acknowledge that they could possibly kept in by one.

"A fence would never keep Americans in," says John Cryton, an Arizona resident. "The government would make sure that we can always get through that fence as long as we are a citizen, no matter who we are or where we are going. I want to have a fence built."

Herman Cain, one of Ron Paul's opponents, was seen running into a fence repeatedly to prove Shoutjammer's point. Although immediately unable to breach through the fluid side, Cain was confident that "science would prevail against Paul's ignorance."

Shoutjammer, despite scientists calling him crazy, has considerable support among neoconservative groups. "What can I say, I speak the truth," he said loudly before snorting some cocaine. "Fucking fences brah."

The Paul campaign's only comment was: "Look at your damn fence in your yard and tell me it doesn't also keep stuff in."

Ghaddafi's Secret Crush: Republican Herman Cain

Ghaddafi's "Mating Stare", which he claimed could woo any human.

Moammar Ghaddafi's brutal regime in Libya ended this week, with his government succumbing to the rebellion which had lasted months, supported by NATO airstrikes. But what has been making the news more than the end of his political regime are some of the secrets stumbled upon in his now vacant palace: namely, a binder full of images of  Republican Presidential Candidate Herman Cain.

Cain, a former CEO of Godfather Pizza and Chairman of a state Federal Reserve, is on every page of this expansive binder, with some images actually repeating. Written in Arabic on a few of the images were varying Libyan innuendos and sexual comments, including "So Tasty", "Milk Chocolate" and, morbidly, "He can drop bombs on me any time."

 Ghaddafi made headlines several weeks ago when his palace was first captured and it was revealed that the mad dog of the Middle East had a secret crush on Condoleezza Rice. Experts on the ground, however, have made it clear that this was actually just a cover up for his secret crush on Cain.

"I think it is pretty evident that Ghaddafi had these feelings for Cain and was trying to cover them up with what he would deem more 'legitimate' feelings towards Rice," said Abdul Messina, a psychologist from Libya. "Nobody in their right mind, with as much power as Ghaddafi, would actually find Mrs. Rice beautiful. I mean that with all due respect, of course. Mr. Cain, however, exudes confidence, and that is an attractive quality."

Cain's Response: "I wish I had known before his death. I would have sent him flowers."

The Cain campaign has been quick to downplay this, stating: "It is merely because of Mr. Cain's painful good looks, rather than his policies, that caused Mr. Ghaddafi to fall for him. Mr. Cain does not support such a brutal regime, although he does support his taste in men."

Ghaddafi's binder, titled "My Little Sugar-Cain", is currently still in the former presidential palace, to be auctioned off to the highest bidder. Currently, Cain's fellow candidate Rick Perry has bid the highest, stating that "It will bring him one step closer to mating Herman Cain and Newt Gingrich to make the perfect running mate."

Parents of College Students Fight To Keep Them In Debt

"Sticks and stones may break my bones but loans and debt excite me."

In a recent interview on Meet the Press, Ron Paul had an excellent discussion with the host about his policies and his presidential candidacy. One of these topics has become a hotbed of discussion concerning Dr. Paul's answer about Federal Student Aid. When asked about the prospect of eliminating Federal Aid, he responded that although it is not in his plan outlined recently for the economy, he hopes that in the future, once prices have begun to decrease, that Federal Aid could be eliminated due to no longer being necessary.

Dr. Paul's thoughts come from the notion that government loans have helped to inflate the prices of schools across the nation, a thought shared by some economists and, particularly when these loans are often offered by the very companies that led to the housing bubble, many are sharing Dr. Paul's sentiments, especially some college students who are feeling the brunt of the loans as they graduate.

Parents of the students, however, have made their stance very clear: they want their children to remain in debt.

"Having Joe be in debt will put some hair on his chest," says Joe's father Moe, 56. "Debt is a part of our society, he should get used to it now while he is young."

Mary Catherine's mother, Susan, has a different outlook: "I don't want to pay for my kid's schooling and I sure as hell am not going to send her to some sort of crappy state school," she said angrily. "Dr. Paul is trying to make my daughter poor."

Dr. Paul's analysis of prices in the school market is actually quite sound. Take hypothetical School A. School A had a tuition of $250 a semester in the year 1965. Students who could not afford School A attended the much cheaper School B. If School A raised prices too high, such that no students could afford it, the school would be forced to close and School B would get all of the students. 

However, once student loans became widespread, anyone who could not afford School A could now simply take loans to pay it. This meant that School A was getting the full $250 per semester from students who were now, essentially, subsidized by the Federal Government. School A now raises tuition to make more money, knowing full well that, with the new easy loans, the students will still attend and the school will get the new tuition, in full, despite the tuition hike. This essentially eliminated any reason for School A keeping tuition low. Rinse and repeat until you get up to $40,000/yr.

In the state of New Jersey, however, analyses like this fall on deaf ears, with the best comparison can be seen between two competing schools: Rutgers, the State University, and Rider University, a private school in the west of the state. 

"I could have gone to either," said student Charlie Bonbay, "and Rutgers was cheaper and I actually could have had most of my schooling paid for by the NJ Stars program, and it is also a better school, but I heard that Rider was an awesome party school so that's where I am going to go."

The price difference? Almost $30,000 per year.

"I shouldn't have to pay more to go to a good party school," said Charlie, "it's not fair and it's not American."

Of all of Charlie's financial aid, only approximately 25% was from a Federal Loan, the rest being scholarships and State Grants. 

"I'm upset that he got that many scholarships," Charlie's father said in a phone interview. "He doesn't have to pay that back. That's free money, and that's communist."

Herman Cain Claims that Apples Cannot be Compared to Oranges; Signs Deal With Mattel for "Apples to Apples: Cain Edition"

The newest edition outlaws the "Green"cards, citing "illegal immigrant influence".

Herman Cain has taken a month off from campaigning to promote his book, but that didn't stop him from showing up at Tuesday Night's CNN Presidential Debate to have his "9-9-9" plan dissected by the other candidates in the field. Mitt Romney hit his plan hard, citing that some states would have to pay a Federal Sales Tax on top of a State Sales Tax, to which in reply Cain took the opportunity to distinguish the difference between "Apples and Oranges." Although seemingly out of the blue, this arboreal analogy seemed to hit home with the American voter, who was becoming increasingly confused with the difference between these two mainstream fruit.

"I wish he had covered more the difference between Clemetines and Oranges," said Jake Llama, who was present at the debate. "I think that the line between apples and oranges is clear. Blurred, but clear."

"Romney talking about the bucket full of apples and oranges at the same times was just confusing," said Sally Fiat, also at the debate. "It's bad enough to have apples, but oranges too? That is surely over the daily required dose of fiber."

Cain may not have been able to successfully defend his positions on apples to oranges against relentless attacks by the other candidates, nor could he when a successful attack by Ron Paul highlighted his naivety in dealing with the economic crisis, but something good did come from the debate for Mr. Cain: Mattel, world renown toy-maker, approached Mr. Cain with a deal to begin producing a new edition of their hit board game "Apples to Apples" in honor of the presidential candidate. Even better, Herman Cain has agreed.

"This is a business partnership which I believe can really help both Mattel and Herman Cain in the long run," a Mattel spokesman said on the deal. "Mattel can reap the rewards of being connected to an immensely popular candidate, and Mr. Cain can say that he was justified in his analogy in the debate."

Herman Cain: "Oranges require peeling, whilst for apples this is optional."

Cain is in agreement with Mattel's sentiments. "When I made those comparisons Tuesday night nobody knew what I was talking about," Cain started, "but now they will know full well what I mean." The Cain Edition of Apples to Apples is said to replace the traditional Red and Green cards with Black and Orange cards. The Orange to represent oranges, while Cain says that black is "just his favorite color."

We asked Cain to elaborate on what he meant by his analogy the other night. He replied: "Look. Apples come in a variety of shapes and sizes. Some are more sweet, some more bitter. Some several colors at once, and they all kind of look like pears. All oranges are orange. Some more yellow looking, but they are all orange. Oranges require peeling, whilst for apples this is optional. Peeling an apple is, frankly, counter productive because that is where all of the nutrients are." Cain's ability to orate the true differences between apples and oranges is a testament to his vehement support, who clearly also believe that apples cannot be compared to oranges. 

We asked a natural scientist, Daniel Peabody, his opinion on the matter, and it differed significantly from Cain's. "I spent my whole life surrounded by apples and oranges, and I can tell you right now they are comparable. They are both fruit. They are both sweet and contain some citric acid. They can both be used in a fruit salad. Really, there are more differences than Cain will admit, and far more complexities to the matter. He doesn't even acknowledge that some people eat oranges with the peel still on."

So, has Cain's "Applegate" become another "9-9-9", on oversimplification of a complicated problem? Cain had this to say in reply: "I am a man who presents solutions to problems. Americans are confused, as they should be. I want to alleviate that confusion and replace it with Herman Cain."

The Apple Farmer's Guild of America did not reply immediately for comment.

NH Switches to "Retroactive Primary" to Remain First-in-the-Nation; Pawlenty Wins

Pawlenty stares at a reporter after shaking his head and happily stating: "What the Fuck?"

Everyone knew that this year would be a crazy one for the GOP primaries, but most people didn't imagine it reaching "Inception" levels - at least not this quickly. In retaliation for Florida, Nevada, and every other less important state shifting their primaries forward in the season, New Hampshire, in order to maintain their "first in the nation" status, put into effect its first "Retroactive Primary." 

This new type of Primary behaves exactly like it sounds - it pushes the primary back to a date where, technically, the primary already happened. In NH's case, the date established was August 1st, 2011. Because the Primary technically already happened, no further election was held. Instead, immediately upon passage of this new primary, the election results were determined based on candidate viability on August 1st. Stunning many in the media, Tim "Good and Plenty" Pawlenty managed to eek out a win from the hotly contested state of NH.

Some New Hampshire voters didn't even know the Primary had taken place. It's called "paying attention."

A few New Hampshire voters were less than happy about the results. One, namely George Onceahippy, age 79, began to cry when we broke him the news: "I don't understand. How did the Primary already take place? I watch the news every day. I wanted to vote in it and now I didn't get my chance." 

Others, like Sarah Beaumont, couldn't care less: "I don't even know what a Primary is," she said smiling while she shopped for shoes at the mall. "But why should I care? That was, like, two months ago."

New Hampshire's Election Board released this statement regarding people's anger towards this move: "We cannot be responsible for people's lack of involvement in the political process. If you wanted to participate, you should have voted on the date of the primary, which was August 1st. To regret that decision now is, frankly, only harmful to yourself and to our state. In fact, you should probably move out because we follow the motto 'Live Free or Die', and you clearly don't follow this rule."

Pawlenty's campaign, or lack of one, was absolutely excited for the stupendous victory. 

"To think, a few weeks ago I thought it was all over," Pawlenty said gleefully. "To hell with Iowa's gay straw poll, I won New Hampshire. Ron Paul was gaining ground here, and I'm so glad to be a part of not allowing that to continue."

We then asked Pawlenty where he would be campaigning next, to which he replied: "Campaign? I already dropped out. This was a God damn constellation prize."

The National RNC, in response to New Hampshire's new rule, has granted New Hampshire double delegates for the upcoming primary season, citing as their reason: "They got some fucking balls."

Herman Cain Announces "007" Plan for Foreign Policy: Cites Nintendo 64 as Influence

A Herman Cain President has a License to Kill

Most Americans, or at least GOP primary voters, are by now accustomed to Herman "The Hermanator" Cain's economic plan - namely, 9-9-9. But tonight, Lulzington Post has an exclusive look at the Hermanator's newest numerical nomenclature: his "007 Plan" for US Foreign Policy.

To a crowd of raucous supporters in Tennessee, Cain announced his plan at a frat party around 1 A.M. ET, immediately upon completing a game of "Goldeneye: 007" on his Nintendo 64 Console. 

"This plan represents a huge shift in American foreign policy," Cain started. "Too long have we tiptoed around like the rest of the world matters. When you look at James Bond, one of the greatest men in history, he was not afraid to make hard choices and kill without remorse to make sure that the mission is complete. I am here to tell everyone tonight, America should be just like James Bond."

"We shouldn't be afraid to blow some motha' fucka's up," Cain shouted at the end of his speech to loud shouts from the frat boys. "I mean Bond was one man and literally saved the world like a thousand times. By that logic, the United States should be able to save the world...a number of times that I don't wish to calculate at this moment."

Included in this plan are a few policies that he hopes to pass through Congress:

• All Americans after the age of 18 can apply for a "license to kill" (pending no previous felonies). This license is only valid in foreign countries or when doing it "for England."
• All bars required to serve ONLY Martinis (Gin, not Vodka) which are "Shaken, Not Stirred" for at least three days a week.
• 7% increase in spending towards scientific research in the hopes to "get some God damn James Bond cars for our boys in Afghanalanistanistan. Or whatever it's called."
• Immediate research emphasis placed on finding the so-called "golden gun" as well as the "Goldeneye Defense Grid".
• A demand that "Alec Trevelyan must shut the door, because there is a God damn draft. And I know he in on that shit anyway from the first time I seen him."

The Press was quick to question Cain on this policies, particularly considering his 999 plan has recently received scrutiny for being stolen from the game Sim City. Cain replied with a large belch and a hearty laugh before marching off with the frat boys.

Before we left, Cain started talking about his up -and- coming plans yet to be released, including a "Hyrule" plan, which he began to describe as the "only way to defeat Ganondorf", as well as a "Toadstool" plan that he said would help guide the country out of the recession by placing small, semi-opaque mushroom men in people's homes as a means of government communication for advice.

Hermain Cain Questioning the Integrity of Ron Paul's Eyebrows

"Honkey ain't understand that no eyebrows is the way to go."

Amid all of the political discussions occurring this week, talking of the Federal Reserve and how to fix our economy, one political discussion trumps everything else: the integrity of Ron Paul's eyebrows at the Tuesday night debate.

Hermain Cain was the first candidate to begin lobbing shots. Cain, a former Godfather Pizza CEO, explained happily: "This is why I don't have eyebrows. They are nothing but trouble and can make you seem like there is something wrong with you. Dr. Paul, I have a message for you: Wax-Wax-Wax." Other media outlets soon picked up on Paul's eyebrow's disappearing act.

Cain used this to, for the first time in Dr. Paul's consistent history, question his integrity. 

"How can we trust Dr. Paul's integrity when we can't trust the integrity of his eyebrows? You can tell alot about a man by his eyebrows. For example: my lack of them directly correlates to my ability to balance a spoon on my nose. Perfectly."

Rick "The Dick" Santorum, another candidate opposing Dr. Paul, had this to say about the strange occurence: "Yeah, I'm not sure what was going on with that. Shit looked like it was crawling off his face. Must have been made in China. He's clearly not presidential material."

Based on Google records, Ron Paul's eyebrow has received more media attention than Paul himself following the debate, prompting calls of media bias to which the Media has generally refused to comment, except for Fox News, who merely stated: "I guess Ron Paul decided to do it live."

Ron's eyebrow distracted Cain while he delivered him a verbal ass whooping.

Ash Ketchum Endorses Hermain Cain for President

"I choose you, Herman Cain!"

There have been a flurry of endorsements in the GOP primary race so far, from Tim Pawlenty early drop out and endorsement to Chris Christie's recent endorsement of Mitt Romney. No endorsement has made quite so much of a splash, however, as one that just came out this morning: Ash Ketchum has endorsed Hermain Cain for President.

In a huge press conference outside of his humble home (where he still lives with his mother and father figure Mr. Mime), Ash made a riveting speech explaining his endorsement. 

Cain: "The cost of Poke-balls is too damn high!"

"He wants to be the very best, like no one ever was," he began to a cheering crowd. "To enter the race was his real test, to win it is his cause." Concluding, he shook the Hermanator's hand and shouted: "Soon, the voters will understand, the power that's inside! I choose you, Herman Cain!"

The roaring of the crowd represents a huge shift in the Pokemon League's political paradigm. As of late, they had been supporting Mitt Romney based on his recently uncovered massive Pokemon card collection, containing "upwards of 3,000 holographic cards, most of which had writing implying that they had been traded from little children in the late nineties", said AP spokesman Ronald Garner.

The shift to Cain, however, represents Cain's new economic policy: a choice of 9 of each of the starting Pokemon at the beginning of your travels instead of just one. This gives people in the league a much greater chance of picking their "match", because Cain's "9-9-9" plan gives players the choice of 9 Bulbasaurs, 9 Charmanders, or 9 Squirtles, each with their own personality. It also comes off of the heels of Cain's endorsement of Pokemon the Movie 2000:

Cain's response: "This is one thing that, if read on the internet, should be believed. Flavor of the week? I am Hermain Cain, and I am a black walnut."

The Number 9 Wins Dartmouth Republican Debate

Last night, the GOP contenders for the highest political office in the nation gathered at Dartmouth College to discuss their plans to help America's ailing economy.

What stole the thunder last night, however, was no a candidate, or even an idea: it was the number 9.

This is not at all surprising given that the new GOP God Hermain Cain's economic policy itself contains not one, but three mentions of this amazing number, and that plan was repeated by both Cain and his competitors several times over.

The number 9 has for a long time sat in the shadows as nearly insignificant, especially considering when some numbers, like 7, are known to many as "the Lord's number". (This is, in fact, a lie, as the Lord has stated that he loves all numbers equally, except 6, which he deems "inadequate.") In fact, for a very long time it was believed, in ignorance, that seven ate nine.

But not last night. Last night, 9 stood as a resounding victor in Dartmouth, and it had one commentator worked up.

"I didn't realize how much I loved the number 9 before tonight," said John Foreskin of New Hampshire. "I mean, I knew that I wanted something different, but the number 9 just makes so much sense when it's spoken so well and so frequently. I mean, come on. It's 9-9-9."

Another woman was excited at the prospects of this number based on a more close-to-home reference:
"My son turned 9 on September 9th, '99", she said happily. "Cain's economic plan really speaks to me. It must be fate."

Cain you feel it? That's Cain's energy level. It's over 9000.

Trying to rain a parade on the number 9 was Congressman Ron Paul, who called the Hermanator out on several topics including his previous job as a Federal Reserve Chairman and his belief that the Fed does not need to be audited. He also made Cain seem foolish in selecting Alan Greenspan as one of the best Federal Reserve Chairmen. 

In reply, Cain had this to say: "9-9-9". 

Representatives for the number 9 had no immediate comment except to reiterate that it has never been eaten by 7.