Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Historic 2016 Primaries Leave First Woman, Orangutan as Party Nominees

Historic 2016 Primaries: First Time in US History That a Woman, Orangutan are Nominees of Major Political Parties

CALIFORNIA - The June 7th "Final Super Tuesday" contests ended with a historical victory for the two front runners, leaving Hillary Clinton as the first female nominee for a major political party in US History, and Donald Trump as the first non-human primate.

There was a bit of confusion surrounding Trump's title, specifically when CNN Host and part-time werewolf Wolf Blitzer made the comment that Trump was in fact the second non-human primate behind Millard Filmore to win the Presidency.

"With the win in California, Trump has solidified his position as the nominee for the Republican Party, making Donald Trump the second ape to win the coveted spot behind Millard Filmore," Wolf said during his show "The Situation Room".

However, there was a very rapid outcry from Trump supporters who wanted to correct the record: their candidate is, in fact, the first true non-human primate to win the Republican nomination.

"I think it is clear that Filmore was not an ape," said one of his supporters, Trump4Hump, on Twitter. "They wouldn't have elected an ape back then."

"How the fuck can someone think there could be a monkey before Trump?" said ReelzB4Feelz, using the derogatory term for Primate-Americans in his tweet.

Non-human primate rights activist Shay Parker-Houtaling, a founding member of the group ApeLivesMatter and a proponent of criminal charges to the family whose son entering a pin led to the death of gorilla Harambe, claims that Filmore and Trump clearly both have signs of the same ancestry.

"I think it's obvious," he said.

The answer was provided by Presidential Historian Michael Dernovich, who told Lulzington Post that Filmore was in fact a Cro-Magnon, and could therefore not be categorized as a non-human primate.

"It is a non-issue," he told us in an email. "Anyone who knows anything about Presidential history knows that Filmore was a Cro-Magnon. You can tell by the jawline and cheek bones."

Clinton and Trump tore at each other in their closing remarks after the night, though Trump seemed much more at home.

"It makes sense," Dernovich assured. "Non-human primates are much more adept at flinging feces at opponents than humans."

The general Election will be on November 8, 2016.

**EDITORS NOTE: After publication, Shay informed Lulzington Post that he is gender-fluid, and therefore the terminology "he" to describe him is technically inaccurate. For clarity, we haven't changed anything in the write-up.

Thursday, March 6, 2014

Obama Threatens Putin With "Slight Tap on His Rear", While EU, More Cautious, Pushes for "Lengthy Time Out"

Growing Divide Between Western Attitudes on Punishing Petulant Putin. 

President Obama on the phone with German Chancellor Angela Merkel, who, despite having called Putin "not in his right mind", seeks to not use any punishment which could hurt his frail mentality while he grows up.
WASHINGTON - President Obama issued an executive order on Wednesday outlining the steps that the U.S. was going to take to hurt Russia for their invasion of the sovereign nation of Ukraine. 

In it was a clear sign that Obama planned to be strict with Russian President Putin, and called for an escalation in punitive measures. 

"...Due to Russia not signaling that they seek to ease tensions, despite our repeated warnings and plea's, I believe it is in our nations best interest to give Putin a spanking, without a rod, switch, or other object, to take corrective measures."

Obama made it clear that the spanking was not to be done out of anger, associates say.

"President Obama doesn't believe that spanking in anger will help," said Secretary of State John Kerry in a later conference. "You need to spank because you need them to understand that what they have done is wrong. Putin needs to understand that."

Meanwhile, America's European partners were decidedly less enthusiastic about using such harsh measurements.

"Spanking doesn't do anything except to make the recipient afraid of you," said French President Hollande. "We need to be careful and make sure that we do not hurt Putin's personality moving forward."

Angela Merkel in Germany expressed similar concerns.

"We would propose that a time out is a better method," Merkel said. "Spanking is known to do more harm than good. Time outs will allow Putin to think about what he has done."

The division in tactics is exposing the rift between different methods of handing such an angry upstart like Putin. Europe, for their part, have expressed that they just don't want to get hurt in the situation.

"It will hurt me alot more than it will hurt Putin," said Merkel on Putin getting spanked. 

After their conversation, Obama was seen taking a sip from a flask outside of his room in Brussels. 

"He needs to be taught a lesson," he said angrily, almost forcefully. "She never lets me punish him. He needs to learn this isn't okay. It's just a damn tap on his rear."

Before leaving, Merkel was seen purchasing candy to give Putin for "positive reinforcement" if he does something good, claiming it works better than negative reinforcement.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Romney Mistakes "Hunger Games" for African Sport Run By Josef Kony

Romney in his "Early Morning Tea" attire
Romney assures public that he "knows now that Josef Kony isn't real."

Mitt Romney was very confused this morning when, instead of stepping on a plane to go see the popular "Hunger Games" with his family, he was instead hurried to one of his five Cadillacs. The confusion was only confounded when they pulled into the local AMC Multiplex theater.

"I just couldn't understand where we were going," Romney said of what had happened later. "I had honestly thought my family and I had been kidnapped."

Romney informed us that he had thought that the "Hunger Games" was, in fact, a sport in Africa run by warlord Josef Kony.

"I had seen the ads on the internet," he started. "The popularity coincided so I thought that must be what all the fuss was about."

The actual "Hunger Games" is a novel by Suzanne Collins. Note the lack of Kony

When we asked him to comment on what he thought happened at these African "Hunger Games", he said that he "believed that Kony brought starving children to an arena, armed them, and made them fight to the death for food." This then led our reporters to ask why, exactly, it was he had wanted to see something so atrocious.

"Part of being a politician is that you want to go with the flow of the American people," Romney began, "and the American people were very much into the Hunger Games."

"I was wondering why I had never seen it on TV," Romney said. "After all, I do have the platinum package."

Moreso than anything else presented in this article, people reacted very unfavorably to Romney's cable package, citing it as yet another reason why he is "out of touch" with the American people.

Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Obama Speech TL;DR Edition

President Obama has started off his 2012 Campaign with a bang
"I have done nothing the past three years. But if you give me four more, at least you will keep the greedy, evil Republicans out. They want to kill poor people. Am I right?"

Saturday, December 3, 2011

Kardashian Sisters to Host Republican Debate

"The Question on everyone's minds is: can Rick Perry keep up with the Kardashians?"

The Kardashian Sisters, known for their reality TV drama,  are tag teaming the next Republican Debate
Last week, when Donald Trump announced he would be hosting a Republican Debate in late December leading up to the Iowa caucuses, many called the move a "circus act" and making a mockery of the title of the President. Indeed, two candidates, namely Jon Huntsman and Ron Paul, have already decided not to participate in the Trump debate citing the reasons above. But today, a few different reality star celebrities are stealing the spotight - the Kardashian sisters, who will be hosting a Republican debate the same week.

According to sources at Reuters, the Kardashians requested to host a debate after seeing that Trump was getting involved in the political process.

"We have been looking for a while for a way to expand our range of influence," says the manager of the Kardashian sisters, their mother Kris. "We figured, after seeing the sheer amount of news coverage Trump has been getting from this announcement that this was a really good way to get back into the game."

Kim Kardashian, who has just come off of a big scandal with a marriage lasting only 72 days, see this as an excellent way to bolster her image.

"It's just, like, politics is what runs the country, you know? I feel like people will take me more, like, serious I guess if I take part in hosting a debate." Kim also claims that she has been a Republican her whole life, citing that she things a Republic is better than a dictatorship. "The Republican party stands for, like, a republic which is better than something else. Like a monarchy."

Barack Obama and Joe Biden after hearing the news of the Kardashian Debate
President Obama, when asked about the debate, stated that "at least there will be someone worth looking at at this next one."

Obviously this news already has people talking. Sally McBride, a resident of NH, was excited about the developments. "I never really watched debates because I am more of a reality-TV show kind of girl, but having stars like this involved in the process really makes it so much more exciting," she said as she shopped for a Gucci handbag at a local mall. "The question on everyone's mind is can Rick Perry keep up with the Kardashians? I hear he is kinda slow and those girls are really smart."

Trump, on the other hand, was furious at the news. "I am a successful businessman and a drop-dead gorgeous reality star. Hosting the debate was both an honor and a privilege for me. These girls are making a mockery of the political process merely by their existence in it."

Not everyone was upset, however. Herman Cain, who recently dropped out of the race, was quoted as saying "I would have waited a bit longer had I known those fine girls would be present at one of the debates." Rick Perry, likewise, simply nodded and grinned as he was told the news. "Well that's just fine," he said as he walked into his black Escalade.

The Kardashian sisters are planning on dividing the debate into three segments, with each segment run by a different sister. Oddly, Khloe Kardashian's segment has received the least amount of money in the form of advertising bids, while Kim's has received the most.

Thursday, December 1, 2011

Newt Gingrich 1st in Recent Poll of Newt Gingrich Supporters

Gingrich wiping away a tear from laughter when someone suggested that anyone else can win the nomination
A recent poll released by Public Policy Polling (PPP) has put Newt Gingrich ahead of the rest of the pack among Newt Gingrich supporters in the US. The poll, conducted December 1st, was conducted an entire 15 hours after Ron Paul released his sweltering ad confronting Gingrich on being, for lack of a better word, an "asshat", seen below:

The ad has been out for an entire 24 hours, but that does not seem to have made the support for Gingrich to decline among Gingrich supporters. The poll, which featured an introductory question of "Do you support Newt Gingrich?", was then followed by several policy questions and ended with reading a list of presidential candidates for the GOP nomination. Only those surveyed who answered "yes" to the first question were asked the remainder of the questions.

This poll coincides with other recent polls, all which put Gingrich at the top of the Republican field. "I think everyone else should just drop out," Gingrich said after reading the poll results. "I think it is pretty obvious by how much support I have that I am going to win, then beat Obama, and then continue to rape America before I divorce lady liberty like a fourth wife."

When asked what he thought of the other candidates, Gingrich responded with "What other candidates?" After a brief, awkward pause as though he was waiting for applause, he continued: "No, listen, I have hair on my testicles more important than those tools. I am Newt Gingrich. Need I say more?"

 The full results of the poll can be seen below:

"In the upcoming GOP primary race, who would you vote for as the candidate if you had to vote today?"
  1. Newt Gingrich - 83%
  2. Mitt Romney - 5%
  3. Ron Paul - 3%
  4. Rick Santorum - 1%
  5. Herman Cain - 0%
  6. Rick Perry - (-1%)
  7. Unsure - 4%
  8. "Who is this? Are you a machine?" - 4%
Interestingly, Rick Perry gained negative 1% of the vote, gained dubiously by someone surveyed shouting into the phone "I want it to be known that I no longer support Rick Perry. I want you to relay that message to him, if he can even comprehend it", but subsequently not choosing a candidate before hanging up the phone. 

Tuesday, November 22, 2011

Romney Joins Huntsman's Party as "Witch-Hunter"; Skips Thanksgiving Forum to Battle in NH

Mitt Romney, seen here after bringing hell down upon the witches in Keene, NH.

While the Other Candidates Continue to Campaign, Romney and Huntsman Join Forces to Defeat Evil

Almost everyone is aware of Republican Presidential Candidate Jon Huntsman's tendency to fight the creatures of the night. Lulzington Post has received word, however, that fellow candidate Mitt Romney has joined forces with Huntsman to defeat what they have called "the forces of evil" in NH, which they say are "ever so prevalent".

"We never understood why Huntsman chose to spend all of his time in NH," a Romney aide said. "After visiting, however, it is clear that there is evil at work here that must be taken care of." As evidenced by their recent lack of appearance at the family forum, Romney and Huntsman have been hard at work bringing blight to those who would harm humanity.

Romney, a new addition to Huntsman's party, has been called the "Witch-Hunter" for his prowess at finding those who practice the evil arts.

"We don't discriminate," Huntsman said as he drove a wooden stake into a vampire's heart. "He hunts Warlocks as well."

Other members of the party include Pious, the Mage, as well as Tyronne the Warrior. Each of the classes, according to Hunstman, has a specific role in his party. "You can't fight evil magic without good magic. Tyronne is just the typical tank who can take a lot of damage."

The first notable figure to be accused of witchcraft was actually the Mormon friends' unified enemy in the form of a fellow candidate, Congressman Ron Paul.

Congressman Paul the White charging into battle.

Romney claims that Paul is a powerful warlock with the ability to use the hope of others to remain young.

"He's dangerous," Romney said angrily. "We think that he is building an army in Iowa like the world has never seen." (This was , of course, likely in retaliation for Paul's soaring poll numbers in Iowa.)

Paul's campaign did not immediately reply to our requests to comment.