Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Historic 2016 Primaries Leave First Woman, Orangutan as Party Nominees

Historic 2016 Primaries: First Time in US History That a Woman, Orangutan are Nominees of Major Political Parties

CALIFORNIA - The June 7th "Final Super Tuesday" contests ended with a historical victory for the two front runners, leaving Hillary Clinton as the first female nominee for a major political party in US History, and Donald Trump as the first non-human primate.

There was a bit of confusion surrounding Trump's title, specifically when CNN Host and part-time werewolf Wolf Blitzer made the comment that Trump was in fact the second non-human primate behind Millard Filmore to win the Presidency.

"With the win in California, Trump has solidified his position as the nominee for the Republican Party, making Donald Trump the second ape to win the coveted spot behind Millard Filmore," Wolf said during his show "The Situation Room".

However, there was a very rapid outcry from Trump supporters who wanted to correct the record: their candidate is, in fact, the first true non-human primate to win the Republican nomination.

"I think it is clear that Filmore was not an ape," said one of his supporters, Trump4Hump, on Twitter. "They wouldn't have elected an ape back then."

"How the fuck can someone think there could be a monkey before Trump?" said ReelzB4Feelz, using the derogatory term for Primate-Americans in his tweet.

Non-human primate rights activist Shay Parker-Houtaling, a founding member of the group ApeLivesMatter and a proponent of criminal charges to the family whose son entering a pin led to the death of gorilla Harambe, claims that Filmore and Trump clearly both have signs of the same ancestry.

"I think it's obvious," he said.

The answer was provided by Presidential Historian Michael Dernovich, who told Lulzington Post that Filmore was in fact a Cro-Magnon, and could therefore not be categorized as a non-human primate.

"It is a non-issue," he told us in an email. "Anyone who knows anything about Presidential history knows that Filmore was a Cro-Magnon. You can tell by the jawline and cheek bones."

Clinton and Trump tore at each other in their closing remarks after the night, though Trump seemed much more at home.

"It makes sense," Dernovich assured. "Non-human primates are much more adept at flinging feces at opponents than humans."

The general Election will be on November 8, 2016.

**EDITORS NOTE: After publication, Shay informed Lulzington Post that he is gender-fluid, and therefore the terminology "he" to describe him is technically inaccurate. For clarity, we haven't changed anything in the write-up.

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