Obama Speech TL;DR Edition

President Obama has started off his 2012 Campaign with a bang

"I have done nothing the past three years. But if you give me four more, at least you will keep the greedy, evil Republicans out. They want to kill poor people. Am I right?"

Kardashian Sisters to Host Republican Debate

"The Question on everyone's minds is: can Rick Perry keep up with the Kardashians?"

The Kardashian Sisters, known for their reality TV drama,  are tag teaming the next Republican Debate

Last week, when Donald Trump announced he would be hosting a Republican Debate in late December leading up to the Iowa caucuses, many called the move a "circus act" and making a mockery of the title of the President. Indeed, two candidates, namely Jon Huntsman and Ron Paul, have already decided not to participate in the Trump debate citing the reasons above. But today, a few different reality star celebrities are stealing the spotight - the Kardashian sisters, who will be hosting a Republican debate the same week.

According to sources at Reuters, the Kardashians requested to host a debate after seeing that Trump was getting involved in the political process.

"We have been looking for a while for a way to expand our range of influence," says the manager of the Kardashian sisters, their mother Kris. "We figured, after seeing the sheer amount of news coverage Trump has been getting from this announcement that this was a really good way to get back into the game."

Kim Kardashian, who has just come off of a big scandal with a marriage lasting only 72 days, see this as an excellent way to bolster her image.

"It's just, like, politics is what runs the country, you know? I feel like people will take me more, like, serious I guess if I take part in hosting a debate." Kim also claims that she has been a Republican her whole life, citing that she things a Republic is better than a dictatorship. "The Republican party stands for, like, a republic which is better than something else. Like a monarchy."

Barack Obama and Joe Biden after hearing the news of the Kardashian Debate

President Obama, when asked about the debate, stated that "at least there will be someone worth looking at at this next one."

Obviously this news already has people talking. Sally McBride, a resident of NH, was excited about the developments. "I never really watched debates because I am more of a reality-TV show kind of girl, but having stars like this involved in the process really makes it so much more exciting," she said as she shopped for a Gucci handbag at a local mall. "The question on everyone's mind is can Rick Perry keep up with the Kardashians? I hear he is kinda slow and those girls are really smart."

Trump, on the other hand, was furious at the news. "I am a successful businessman and a drop-dead gorgeous reality star. Hosting the debate was both an honor and a privilege for me. These girls are making a mockery of the political process merely by their existence in it."

Not everyone was upset, however. Herman Cain, who recently dropped out of the race, was quoted as saying "I would have waited a bit longer had I known those fine girls would be present at one of the debates." Rick Perry, likewise, simply nodded and grinned as he was told the news. "Well that's just fine," he said as he walked into his black Escalade.

The Kardashian sisters are planning on dividing the debate into three segments, with each segment run by a different sister. Oddly, Khloe Kardashian's segment has received the least amount of money in the form of advertising bids, while Kim's has received the most.

Newt Gingrich 1st in Recent Poll of Newt Gingrich Supporters

Gingrich wiping away a tear from laughter when someone suggested that anyone else can win the nomination

A recent poll released by Public Policy Polling (PPP) has put Newt Gingrich ahead of the rest of the pack among Newt Gingrich supporters in the US. The poll, conducted December 1st, was conducted an entire 15 hours after Ron Paul released his sweltering ad confronting Gingrich on being, for lack of a better word, an "asshat", seen below:

The ad has been out for an entire 24 hours, but that does not seem to have made the support for Gingrich to decline among Gingrich supporters. The poll, which featured an introductory question of "Do you support Newt Gingrich?", was then followed by several policy questions and ended with reading a list of presidential candidates for the GOP nomination. Only those surveyed who answered "yes" to the first question were asked the remainder of the questions.

This poll coincides with other recent polls, all which put Gingrich at the top of the Republican field. "I think everyone else should just drop out," Gingrich said after reading the poll results. "I think it is pretty obvious by how much support I have that I am going to win, then beat Obama, and then continue to rape America before I divorce lady liberty like a fourth wife."

When asked what he thought of the other candidates, Gingrich responded with "What other candidates?" After a brief, awkward pause as though he was waiting for applause, he continued: "No, listen, I have hair on my testicles more important than those tools. I am Newt Gingrich. Need I say more?"

 The full results of the poll can be seen below:

"In the upcoming GOP primary race, who would you vote for as the candidate if you had to vote today?"

1. Newt Gingrich - 83%
2. Mitt Romney - 5%
3. Ron Paul - 3%
4. Rick Santorum - 1%
5. Herman Cain - 0%
6. Rick Perry - (-1%)
7. Unsure - 4%
8. "Who is this? Are you a machine?" - 4%

Interestingly, Rick Perry gained negative 1% of the vote, gained dubiously by someone surveyed shouting into the phone "I want it to be known that I no longer support Rick Perry. I want you to relay that message to him, if he can even comprehend it", but subsequently not choosing a candidate before hanging up the phone.