NH Switches to "Retroactive Primary" to Remain First-in-the-Nation; Pawlenty Wins

Pawlenty stares at a reporter after shaking his head and happily stating: "What the Fuck?"

Everyone knew that this year would be a crazy one for the GOP primaries, but most people didn't imagine it reaching "Inception" levels - at least not this quickly. In retaliation for Florida, Nevada, and every other less important state shifting their primaries forward in the season, New Hampshire, in order to maintain their "first in the nation" status, put into effect its first "Retroactive Primary." 

This new type of Primary behaves exactly like it sounds - it pushes the primary back to a date where, technically, the primary already happened. In NH's case, the date established was August 1st, 2011. Because the Primary technically already happened, no further election was held. Instead, immediately upon passage of this new primary, the election results were determined based on candidate viability on August 1st. Stunning many in the media, Tim "Good and Plenty" Pawlenty managed to eek out a win from the hotly contested state of NH.

Some New Hampshire voters didn't even know the Primary had taken place. It's called "paying attention."

A few New Hampshire voters were less than happy about the results. One, namely George Onceahippy, age 79, began to cry when we broke him the news: "I don't understand. How did the Primary already take place? I watch the news every day. I wanted to vote in it and now I didn't get my chance." 

Others, like Sarah Beaumont, couldn't care less: "I don't even know what a Primary is," she said smiling while she shopped for shoes at the mall. "But why should I care? That was, like, two months ago."

New Hampshire's Election Board released this statement regarding people's anger towards this move: "We cannot be responsible for people's lack of involvement in the political process. If you wanted to participate, you should have voted on the date of the primary, which was August 1st. To regret that decision now is, frankly, only harmful to yourself and to our state. In fact, you should probably move out because we follow the motto 'Live Free or Die', and you clearly don't follow this rule."

Pawlenty's campaign, or lack of one, was absolutely excited for the stupendous victory. 

"To think, a few weeks ago I thought it was all over," Pawlenty said gleefully. "To hell with Iowa's gay straw poll, I won New Hampshire. Ron Paul was gaining ground here, and I'm so glad to be a part of not allowing that to continue."

We then asked Pawlenty where he would be campaigning next, to which he replied: "Campaign? I already dropped out. This was a God damn constellation prize."

The National RNC, in response to New Hampshire's new rule, has granted New Hampshire double delegates for the upcoming primary season, citing as their reason: "They got some fucking balls."