tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-52546235370891276672024-03-12T16:25:41.466-07:00Lulzington PostThe #1 News Source For Teh Lulz...Where We Always Do It Live.Chris41336http://www.blogger.com/profile/09315302002695294760noreply@blogger.comBlogger22125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5254623537089127667.post-77521655369393875022016-06-08T12:55:00.002-07:002016-06-08T13:01:47.502-07:00Historic 2016 Primaries Leave First Woman, Orangutan as Party Nominees<h2>
Historic 2016 Primaries: First Time in US History That a Woman, Orangutan are Nominees of Major Political Parties</h2>
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<b>CALIFORNIA </b>- The June 7th "Final Super Tuesday" contests ended with a historical victory for the two front runners, leaving Hillary Clinton as the first female nominee for a major political party in US History, and Donald Trump as the first non-human primate.<br />
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There was a bit of confusion surrounding Trump's title, specifically when CNN Host and part-time werewolf Wolf Blitzer made the comment that Trump was in fact the second non-human primate behind Millard Filmore to win the Presidency.<br />
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"With the win in California, Trump has solidified his position as the nominee for the Republican Party, making Donald Trump the second ape to win the coveted spot behind Millard Filmore," Wolf said during his show "The Situation Room".<br />
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However, there was a very rapid outcry from Trump supporters who wanted to correct the record: their candidate is, in fact, the first true non-human primate to win the Republican nomination.<br />
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"I think it is clear that Filmore was not an ape," said one of his supporters, Trump4Hump, on Twitter. "They wouldn't have elected an ape back then."<br />
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"How the fuck can someone think there could be a monkey before Trump?" said ReelzB4Feelz, using the derogatory term for Primate-Americans in his tweet.<br />
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Non-human primate rights activist Shay Parker-Houtaling, a founding member of the group ApeLivesMatter and a proponent of criminal charges to the family whose son entering a pin led to the death of gorilla Harambe, claims that Filmore and Trump clearly both have signs of the same ancestry.<br />
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"I think it's obvious," he said.<br />
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The answer was provided by Presidential Historian Michael Dernovich, who told Lulzington Post that Filmore was in fact a Cro-Magnon, and could therefore not be categorized as a non-human primate.<br />
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"It is a non-issue," he told us in an email. "Anyone who knows anything about Presidential history knows that Filmore was a Cro-Magnon. You can tell by the jawline and cheek bones."<br />
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Clinton and Trump tore at each other in their closing remarks after the night, though Trump seemed much more at home.<br />
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"It makes sense," Dernovich assured. "Non-human primates are much more adept at flinging feces at opponents than humans."<br />
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The general Election will be on November 8, 2016.<br />
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<b>**EDITORS NOTE: </b><i>After publication, Shay informed Lulzington Post that he is gender-fluid, and therefore the terminology "he" to describe him is technically inaccurate. For clarity, we haven't changed anything in the write-up.</i>Chris41336http://www.blogger.com/profile/09315302002695294760noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5254623537089127667.post-67472858723796444072014-03-06T15:00:00.002-08:002014-03-06T15:02:39.181-08:00Obama Threatens Putin With "Slight Tap on His Rear", While EU, More Cautious, Pushes for "Lengthy Time Out"<h2>
<span style="font-family: Georgia, Times New Roman, serif; font-size: large;">Growing Divide Between Western Attitudes on Punishing Petulant Putin. </span></h2>
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><img src="http://tribktla.files.wordpress.com/2013/08/obama-phone.jpg" height="225" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;" width="400" /></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">President Obama on the phone with German Chancellor Angela Merkel, who, despite having called Putin "not in his right mind", seeks to not use any punishment which could hurt his frail mentality while he grows up.</td></tr>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">WASHINGTON - President Obama issued an executive order on Wednesday outlining the steps that the U.S. was going to take to hurt Russia for their invasion of the sovereign nation of Ukraine. </span><br />
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">In it was a clear sign that Obama planned to be strict with Russian President Putin, and called for an escalation in punitive measures. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"...Due to Russia not signaling that they seek to ease tensions, despite our repeated warnings and plea's, I believe it is in our nations best interest to give Putin a spanking, without a rod, switch, or other object, to take corrective measures."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Obama made it clear that the spanking was not to be done out of anger, associates say.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"President Obama doesn't believe that spanking in anger will help," said Secretary of State John Kerry in a later conference. "You need to spank because you need them to understand that what they have done is wrong. Putin needs to understand that."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Meanwhile, America's European partners were decidedly less enthusiastic about using such harsh measurements.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"Spanking doesn't do anything except to make the recipient afraid of you," said French President Hollande. "We need to be careful and make sure that we do not hurt Putin's personality moving forward."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Angela Merkel in Germany expressed similar concerns.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"We would propose that a time out is a better method," Merkel said. "Spanking is known to do more harm than good. Time outs will allow Putin to think about what he has done."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">The division in tactics is exposing the rift between different methods of handing such an angry upstart like Putin. Europe, for their part, have expressed that they just don't want to get hurt in the situation.</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"It will hurt me alot more than it will hurt Putin," said Merkel on Putin getting spanked. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">After their conversation, Obama was seen taking a sip from a flask outside of his room in Brussels. </span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">"He needs to be taught a lesson," he said angrily, almost forcefully. "She never lets me punish him. He needs to learn this isn't okay. It's just a damn tap on his rear."</span></div>
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<span style="font-family: Helvetica Neue, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;">Before leaving, Merkel was seen purchasing candy to give Putin for "positive reinforcement" if he does something good, claiming it works better than negative reinforcement.</span></div>
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Chris41336http://www.blogger.com/profile/09315302002695294760noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5254623537089127667.post-31502855584140503682012-03-29T14:44:00.000-07:002012-03-29T14:51:07.348-07:00Romney Mistakes "Hunger Games" for African Sport Run By Josef Kony<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYkxsSoiEgQANiUCQZJWqbb9y8xf64Wl78XDSbdhVGekJB9hN-5cgxDaKlX_9Y3s52NCDgfAH9jrRPLqkUMnaGkxG72FfMUJhs4z2_j2WkKOGWGemCeaZuuv4GE7wOGebpqFiunSmKRbU/s1600/Romney+Antoinette.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="191" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiYkxsSoiEgQANiUCQZJWqbb9y8xf64Wl78XDSbdhVGekJB9hN-5cgxDaKlX_9Y3s52NCDgfAH9jrRPLqkUMnaGkxG72FfMUJhs4z2_j2WkKOGWGemCeaZuuv4GE7wOGebpqFiunSmKRbU/s320/Romney+Antoinette.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Romney in his "Early Morning Tea" attire</td></tr>
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<span style="font-size: large;">Romney assures public that he "knows now that Josef Kony isn't real."</span><br />
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Mitt Romney was very confused this morning when, instead of stepping on a plane to go see the popular "Hunger Games" with his family, he was instead hurried to one of his five Cadillacs. The confusion was only confounded when they pulled into the local AMC Multiplex theater.<br />
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"I just couldn't understand where we were going," Romney said of what had happened later. "I had honestly thought my family and I had been kidnapped."<br />
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Romney informed us that he had thought that the "Hunger Games" was, in fact, a sport in Africa run by warlord Josef Kony.<br />
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"I had seen the ads on the internet," he started. "The popularity coincided so I thought that must be what all the fuss was about."<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/a/ab/Hunger_games.jpg/200px-Hunger_games.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" src="http://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/en/thumb/a/ab/Hunger_games.jpg/200px-Hunger_games.jpg" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The actual "Hunger Games" is a novel by Suzanne Collins. Note the lack of Kony</td></tr>
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When we asked him to comment on what he thought happened at these African "Hunger Games", he said that he "believed that Kony brought starving children to an arena, armed them, and made them fight to the death for food." This then led our reporters to ask why, exactly, it was he had wanted to see something so atrocious.<br />
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"Part of being a politician is that you want to go with the flow of the American people," Romney began, "and the American people were very much into the Hunger Games."<br />
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"I was wondering why I had never seen it on TV," Romney said. "After all, I do have the platinum package."<br />
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Moreso than anything else presented in this article, people reacted very unfavorably to Romney's cable package, citing it as yet another reason why he is "out of touch" with the American people.<br />
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<br />Chris41336http://www.blogger.com/profile/09315302002695294760noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5254623537089127667.post-84175054220893222812011-12-06T14:12:00.001-08:002011-12-06T14:25:31.649-08:00Obama Speech TL;DR Edition<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td><a href="http://static8.businessinsider.com/image/4e94a48269bedd603d000032/obama-jobs-speech.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="240" src="http://static8.businessinsider.com/image/4e94a48269bedd603d000032/obama-jobs-speech.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption">President Obama has started off his 2012 Campaign with a bang</td></tr>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">"I have done nothing the past three years. But if you give me four more, at least you will keep the greedy, evil Republicans out. They want to kill poor people. Am I right?"</span>Chris41336http://www.blogger.com/profile/09315302002695294760noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5254623537089127667.post-11049661808473960542011-12-03T12:48:00.001-08:002011-12-03T14:59:30.209-08:00Kardashian Sisters to Host Republican Debate<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">"The Question on everyone's minds is: can Rick Perry keep up with the Kardashians?"</span><br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://jojonews.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/The-Kardashians-Season1.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://jojonews.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/The-Kardashians-Season1.jpg" width="198" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">The Kardashian Sisters, known for their reality TV drama, are tag teaming the next Republican Debate</td></tr>
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Last week, when Donald Trump announced he would be hosting a Republican Debate in late December leading up to the Iowa caucuses, many called the move a "circus act" and making a mockery of the title of the President. Indeed, two candidates, namely Jon Huntsman and Ron Paul, have already decided not to participate in the Trump debate citing the reasons above. But today, a few different reality star celebrities are stealing the spotight - the Kardashian sisters, who will be hosting a Republican debate the same week.<br />
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According to sources at Reuters, the Kardashians requested to host a debate after seeing that Trump was getting involved in the political process.<br />
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"We have been looking for a while for a way to expand our range of influence," says the manager of the Kardashian sisters, their mother Kris. "We figured, after seeing the sheer amount of news coverage Trump has been getting from this announcement that this was a really good way to get back into the game."<br />
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Kim Kardashian, who has just come off of a big scandal with a marriage lasting only 72 days, see this as an excellent way to bolster her image.<br />
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"It's just, like, politics is what runs the country, you know? I feel like people will take me more, like, serious I guess if I take part in hosting a debate." Kim also claims that she has been a Republican her whole life, citing that she things a Republic is better than a dictatorship. "The Republican party stands for, like, a republic which is better than something else. Like a monarchy."<br />
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<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://cdn.visiontoamerica.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/obama-biden-facepalm.jpg?0673a6" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="214" src="http://cdn.visiontoamerica.org/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/obama-biden-facepalm.jpg?0673a6" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Barack Obama and Joe Biden after hearing the news of the Kardashian Debate</td></tr>
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President Obama, when asked about the debate, stated that "at least there will be someone worth looking at at this next one."<br />
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Obviously this news already has people talking. Sally McBride, a resident of NH, was excited about the developments. "I never really watched debates because I am more of a reality-TV show kind of girl, but having stars like this involved in the process really makes it so much more exciting," she said as she shopped for a Gucci handbag at a local mall. "The question on everyone's mind is can Rick Perry keep up with the Kardashians? I hear he is kinda slow and those girls are really smart."<br />
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Trump, on the other hand, was furious at the news. "I am a successful businessman and a drop-dead gorgeous reality star. Hosting the debate was both an honor and a privilege for me. These girls are making a mockery of the political process merely by their existence in it."<br />
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Not everyone was upset, however. Herman Cain, who recently dropped out of the race, was quoted as saying "I would have waited a bit longer had I known those fine girls would be present at one of the debates." Rick Perry, likewise, simply nodded and grinned as he was told the news. "Well that's just fine," he said as he walked into his black Escalade.<br />
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The Kardashian sisters are planning on dividing the debate into three segments, with each segment run by a different sister. Oddly, Khloe Kardashian's segment has received the least amount of money in the form of advertising bids, while Kim's has received the most.<br />
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<br />Chris41336http://www.blogger.com/profile/09315302002695294760noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5254623537089127667.post-69124833367709760612011-12-01T18:38:00.001-08:002011-12-01T18:56:52.528-08:00Newt Gingrich 1st in Recent Poll of Newt Gingrich Supporters<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://cdn.theatlanticwire.com/img/upload/2011/06/gingrichlibya-2/large.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="200" src="http://cdn.theatlanticwire.com/img/upload/2011/06/gingrichlibya-2/large.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Gingrich wiping away a tear from laughter when someone suggested that anyone else can win the nomination</td></tr>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">A recent poll released by Public Policy Polling (PPP) has put Newt Gingrich ahead of the rest of the pack among Newt Gingrich supporters in the US. The poll, conducted December 1st, was conducted an entire 15 hours after Ron Paul released his sweltering ad confronting Gingrich on being, for lack of a better word, an "asshat", seen below:</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">The ad has been out for an entire 24 hours, but that does not seem to have made the support for Gingrich to decline among Gingrich supporters. The poll, which featured an introductory question of "Do you support Newt Gingrich?", was then followed by several policy questions and ended with reading a list of presidential candidates for the GOP nomination. Only those surveyed who answered "yes" to the first question were asked the remainder of the questions.</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">This poll coincides with other recent polls, all which put Gingrich at the top of the Republican field. "I think everyone else should just drop out," Gingrich said after reading the poll results. "I think it is pretty obvious by how much support I have that I am going to win, then beat Obama, and then continue to rape America before I divorce lady liberty like a fourth wife."</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"><br />When asked what he thought of the other candidates, Gingrich responded with "What other candidates?" After a brief, awkward pause as though he was waiting for applause, he continued: "No, listen, I have hair on my testicles more important than those tools. I am Newt Gingrich. Need I say more?"</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;"> The full results of the poll can be seen below:</span></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">"In the upcoming GOP primary race, who would you vote for as the candidate if you had to vote today?"</span></div>
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<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Newt Gingrich - 83%</span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Mitt Romney - 5%</span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Ron Paul - 3%</span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Rick Santorum - 1%</span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Herman Cain - 0%</span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Rick Perry - (-1%)</span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Unsure - 4%</span></li>
<li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">"Who is this? Are you a machine?" - 4%</span></li>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: small;">Interestingly, Rick Perry gained negative 1% of the vote, gained dubiously by someone surveyed shouting into the phone "I want it to be known that I no longer support Rick Perry. I want you to relay that message to him, if he can even comprehend it", but subsequently not choosing a candidate before hanging up the phone. </span></div>
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</tbody></table>Chris41336http://www.blogger.com/profile/09315302002695294760noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5254623537089127667.post-33873716669646401712011-11-22T07:05:00.001-08:002011-11-24T22:26:41.054-08:00Romney Joins Huntsman's Party as "Witch-Hunter"; Skips Thanksgiving Forum to Battle in NH<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-4YEX8t6PXht7uO92VA3DeA6XWWTk2JwWKVLBc5leUiqPM5ZY5qs30LWc_YKFDN6BshIk9CKgignL1Yga-quo3rHX6OG-7xuYBwH3CouS2hlNbu3jf52kiZa2tlUS-NKEuthL0hSFwNI/s1600/RomneyPic.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi-4YEX8t6PXht7uO92VA3DeA6XWWTk2JwWKVLBc5leUiqPM5ZY5qs30LWc_YKFDN6BshIk9CKgignL1Yga-quo3rHX6OG-7xuYBwH3CouS2hlNbu3jf52kiZa2tlUS-NKEuthL0hSFwNI/s320/RomneyPic.jpg" width="297" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Mitt Romney, seen here after bringing hell down upon the witches in Keene, NH.</td></tr>
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<span style="font-size: large;">While the Other Candidates Continue to Campaign, Romney and Huntsman Join Forces to Defeat Evil</span><br />
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Almost everyone is aware of Republican Presidential Candidate Jon Huntsman's tendency to <a href="http://lulzington.blogspot.com/2011/11/developing-jon-huntsman-to-stop-vampire.html" target="_blank">fight the creatures of the night.</a> Lulzington Post has received word, however, that fellow candidate Mitt Romney has joined forces with Huntsman to defeat what they have called "the forces of evil" in NH, which they say are "ever so prevalent".<br />
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"We never understood why Huntsman chose to spend all of his time in NH," a Romney aide said. "After visiting, however, it is clear that there is evil at work here that must be taken care of." As evidenced by their recent <a href="http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2011/11/19/iowa-thanksgiving-family-forum_n_1103030.html" target="_blank">lack of appearance at the family forum</a>, Romney and Huntsman have been hard at work bringing blight to those who would harm humanity.<br />
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Romney, a new addition to Huntsman's party, has been called the "Witch-Hunter" for his prowess at finding those who practice the evil arts.<br />
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"We don't discriminate," Huntsman said as he drove a wooden stake into a vampire's heart. "He hunts Warlocks as well."<br />
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Other members of the party include Pious, the Mage, as well as Tyronne the Warrior. Each of the classes, according to Hunstman, has a specific role in his party. "You can't fight evil magic without good magic. Tyronne is just the typical tank who can take a lot of damage."<br />
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The first notable figure to be accused of witchcraft was actually the Mormon friends' unified enemy in the form of a fellow candidate, Congressman Ron Paul. <br /><br />
<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhD8HaA7FJep25py-Bg7Y-kVwI2oadCHhSywG-dZzmn73tS4S3vtDKcyqQMU8sDaUYMgq7BnLh14si81_j3AWvz7vWcx5JFbIU-FRsUykt-gmnwqlXK5pXJfMcZI5mq4dwgX_vUfmj5kQI/s1600/rondalf.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhD8HaA7FJep25py-Bg7Y-kVwI2oadCHhSywG-dZzmn73tS4S3vtDKcyqQMU8sDaUYMgq7BnLh14si81_j3AWvz7vWcx5JFbIU-FRsUykt-gmnwqlXK5pXJfMcZI5mq4dwgX_vUfmj5kQI/s320/rondalf.jpg" width="305" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Congressman Paul the White charging into battle.</td></tr>
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Romney claims that Paul is a powerful warlock with the ability to use the hope of others to remain young.<br />
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"He's dangerous," Romney said angrily. "We think that he is building an army in Iowa like the world has never seen." (This was , of course, likely in retaliation for Paul's soaring poll numbers in Iowa.)<br />
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Paul's campaign did not immediately reply to our requests to comment.Chris41336http://www.blogger.com/profile/09315302002695294760noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5254623537089127667.post-71120149485368373592011-11-14T18:43:00.001-08:002011-11-15T14:49:42.984-08:00Herman Cain Discusses the Rebellion in Narnia<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjE7BP2W_fUdERBYCKL5ovPDjRBM07FmRqaWBVCvzgmBZHABdNgGbiqhpxwjbU3Nne_Zr_bP3gvim2kwAdAFjUH8l0jjzdnbFZkzgnZYduUd5AM-id9G1UPI3gkMzlBgT-1XrHeSnbbl0w/s1600/Cain+Troll.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="193" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjE7BP2W_fUdERBYCKL5ovPDjRBM07FmRqaWBVCvzgmBZHABdNgGbiqhpxwjbU3Nne_Zr_bP3gvim2kwAdAFjUH8l0jjzdnbFZkzgnZYduUd5AM-id9G1UPI3gkMzlBgT-1XrHeSnbbl0w/s320/Cain+Troll.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Although Cain frequents Narnia, he doesn't necessarily support the freedom fighters there.</td></tr>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: large;">Cain might not have defended Narnia; Paul says that Narnia "doesn't exist".</span><br />Last night, Republican candidate Herman Cain sat down with Lulzington Post to discuss where his administration would be concerning President Obama's foreign policy decisions concerning the nation of Narnia. Needless to say, the results were surprising:<br /><br /><div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<iframe allowfullscreen='allowfullscreen' webkitallowfullscreen='webkitallowfullscreen' mozallowfullscreen='mozallowfullscreen' width='320' height='266' src='https://www.youtube.com/embed/C8YcfjiYA18?feature=player_embedded' frameborder='0'></iframe></div>
Cain was clear in his ambiguity. This leads us to postulate one conclusion: if Herman Cain was President, there is a very good change that Narnia would still be in the hands of the White Witch. By refusing to admit if Obama's support of Aslan's forces was proper, Cain has positioned himself in a tentative position.<br />
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Other Republican frontrunners, including Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney, came out chiding Cain for his "irresponsible" remarks.<br />
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"Cain has clearly shown that he has no sense of good and evil," said Newt. "But I think he did an excellent job of answering an otherwise ridiculous question. He still would do a better job than Obama at defending the rights of Narnians."<br />
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While Cain and the other Republican candidates argue about who would have done more (or less) than Obama for Narnia, Ron Paul remains a striking contrast insisting that Narnia, in fact, does not exist.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://images.wikia.com/narnia/images/5/55/Aslan-Narnia-320x480.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://images.wikia.com/narnia/images/5/55/Aslan-Narnia-320x480.jpg" width="213" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Aslan, the leader of Narnia's Rebellion. Does he look "fake" to you?</td></tr>
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"Narnia is a fictional land created by a talented author. The fact that we are even entertaining the idea that it is real, or that Obama did anything with it, is madness," says Paul, who was having trouble not laughing. "Please tell me that this is a joke?"<br />
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While Paul may consider supporting Narnia a joke, most GOP primary voters do not. A recent Gallup poll shows "Support For Narnia" at 37% in the most important topic for the upcoming presidential election.<br />
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Paul, nearly ignored by the media, has recently been allowed the designation of "top tier" with his rivals. Meanwhile, second-tier candidate Jon Huntsman has returned to NH to continue his <a href="http://lulzington.blogspot.com/2011/11/developing-jon-huntsman-to-stop-vampire.html">vampire hunting</a>.Chris41336http://www.blogger.com/profile/09315302002695294760noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5254623537089127667.post-15185719162766143532011-11-09T17:50:00.000-08:002011-11-09T17:50:29.565-08:00Herman Cain Accuses his Accusers of Rape<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://ology.com/sites/default/files/imagecache/post-image/1094-Herman-Cain-2.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="180" src="http://ology.com/sites/default/files/imagecache/post-image/1094-Herman-Cain-2.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"I just don't know what I did to deserve that sort of treatment."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
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Herman Cain stunned audiences on Wednesday afternoon when, in a surprise press release, Cain further muddled the story about the sexual allegations against him. To a crowd of approximately seven people, Cain declared that it was HE who was in fact not just sexually harassed by his accusers, but raped.</div>
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"These women are trying to blame the victim," he shouted loudly. "These are the foulest women I have ever met."</div>
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Cain continued on, explaining the traumatic situation which happened to him before he was head of the NRA. He stated that he was looking for a job, and that in reply two of these women held him down while the third and fourth proceeded to "try to make him feel good", with the result being him instead feeling "violated and scared."</div>
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"The one women straddled me and asked me to feel her leg," he said sadly, "and I obliged because I was afraid. I then proceeded to stick a dollar in her panties in a futile attempt to get her to leave me alone."</div>
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He continued that "she grabbed my head and brought it towards her genitals and, despite my pleas which fell on deaf ears, I was forced into cunnilingus."</div>
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Cain wiped a tear from his eye as he hugged his wife and declared that these women "will never hurt anyone again" thanks to all of this exposure. </div>
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Cain has remained on top despite the harassment claims against him, yet strangely since this news his support has begun to decline.</div>
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"I don't want some pussy ass bitch as my president," says Buck Wheatman from TN. "Raped by a bunch of women? Are you shittin' me? We need someone willing to rape as president, not a rape victim."</div>
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Since the break of the news, support has risen for Rick Perry, who was claimed to be one of Cain's accusers and now, it seems, actually harassed Cain. </div>
<br />Chris41336http://www.blogger.com/profile/09315302002695294760noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5254623537089127667.post-14844225759628519632011-11-03T18:02:00.000-07:002011-11-03T18:03:00.277-07:00DEVELOPING: Jon Huntsman to Stop Vampire Hunting in NH and Focus On Campaign<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj78Dlh1Ya0nTE-ah2yq7y4nViw3kf2dFg4o9Z1rKVdqKpbEL3B_UdF8lPH0cXSzsc190FaIK_31KJwOsLtjjVld6BSJnnx6b8wRc0WY6iuIh6_Bk0vd1dmq23KcdFHWviM87i6CeyvwSo/s1600/Huntsman+Hunter.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="261" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj78Dlh1Ya0nTE-ah2yq7y4nViw3kf2dFg4o9Z1rKVdqKpbEL3B_UdF8lPH0cXSzsc190FaIK_31KJwOsLtjjVld6BSJnnx6b8wRc0WY6iuIh6_Bk0vd1dmq23KcdFHWviM87i6CeyvwSo/s320/Huntsman+Hunter.png" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">You're nothing to him but another dead vampire</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Nashua, NH -- Reports have come in from our reporters in New Hampshire that Jon Huntsman is going to end his vampire hunting in northwestern New Hampshire and return to the campaign trail. This comes off of the heels of several reports which claimed that Huntsman had nearly hunted the vampire species to extinction.<br />
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"He's painfully good at what he does," says resident William Cuttingham. "We haven't had any vampire attacks in weeks since he started hunting here."<br />
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Many have wondered why Huntsman, who has very little support, even in New Hampshire, continues to remain ONLY in New Hampshire rather than broaden his base. He may now finally have that opportunity.<br />
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"Now that his job is done, he can move on," says his campaign manager, who was putting some weapons away in the back of his truck. "There are vampires elsewhere to be fought."<br />
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Huntsman currently garners around 2% of the vote for the Republican nomination, a low number that he blames on the "vampire population" around the country.<br />
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Stay tuned for future developments of Huntsman's next destination.<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpjE23WHPDMOttk2Hd5IT8Dl8fiFYBKPGY_ocKnL9otpFRyx2MD9EesTCblO6fFFB2efWMBpI1LOG0P8YIOstagGXlUQ39T-LezWnw7ns2KQLSJDDumkYqXiLjCi9oullwjppHg4HQDXw/s1600/Huntsman+Hunter+2.png" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjpjE23WHPDMOttk2Hd5IT8Dl8fiFYBKPGY_ocKnL9otpFRyx2MD9EesTCblO6fFFB2efWMBpI1LOG0P8YIOstagGXlUQ39T-LezWnw7ns2KQLSJDDumkYqXiLjCi9oullwjppHg4HQDXw/s320/Huntsman+Hunter+2.png" width="171" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Dual-wielding is enabled by default in the Huntsman campaign.</td></tr>
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A note to our vampire readers: you will know as soon as we know.Chris41336http://www.blogger.com/profile/09315302002695294760noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5254623537089127667.post-46070430605000269402011-11-02T17:06:00.000-07:002011-11-03T06:23:58.577-07:00Herman Cain's Third Accuser Revealed to be Rick Perry<div style="text-align: right;">
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<a href="http://buffalobeast.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/herman-cain-creepy-smile-300x168.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"></a><a href="https://encrypted-tbn2.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRE2nDVK7092ttyPuBz86PYhTAapmi6eqA-TT1B2i2zKhcciQaK" imageanchor="1" style="clear: left; float: left; margin-bottom: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="https://encrypted-tbn2.google.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcRE2nDVK7092ttyPuBz86PYhTAapmi6eqA-TT1B2i2zKhcciQaK" /></a><img border="0" src="http://buffalobeast.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/10/herman-cain-creepy-smile-300x168.jpg" /></div>
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As if Herman Cain's troubles weren't enough already with three currently anonymous women accusing him of sexual harassment in his time as chairman of the Restaurant Association, one of the accusations may prove to be his downfall. Fellow Republican contender to the presidency and Texas Governor Rick Perry has accused Cain of sexual harassment in 1994, marking the first of the three accusers to come out of anonymity.</div>
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"I didn't tell anyone right away because I was scared," Perry said in an interview. "I didn't want him to hurt me again like he did before. But now, I am confident that I am safe enough through being in the public eye that he can never do those things to me again."</div>
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Perry has accused Cain of being overtly sexual to him in 1994, including gestures such as, to quote Perry, "humpin' the air like a God damn dog on heat" and feigned fellatio. It also included licking his lips, calling Perry a "slice of white with ricotta", and repeated shouts of "lick my nine, nine, nine!" </div>
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We asked Cain to comment, and a representative was quick to send this release:</div>
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"Mr. Cain has never sexually harassed anyone besides Rick Perry. Rick Perry deserved the harassment and Mr. Cain asked him to dinner afterwards to make up for being so forward. If Rick Perry didn't want to be harassed he shouldn't dress so sexually."</div>
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"I hope that me having the courage to speak out will encourage more women, and men, who were harassed by Cain to come forward so that this <i>monster </i>gets put away like he should be," Perry added forcefully after taking a swig from a flask in his jacket.</div>
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We asked Perry if he believes he deserved to be harassed in such a way, at which point Perry began weeping and said that he doesn't think "anyone deserves that."</div>
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Time will tell whether or not this will help or hurt either Perry or Cain's campaign.</div>
<iframe src="//www.facebook.com/plugins/like.php?href=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2Fpages%2FLulzington-Post%2F236171516443094&send=false&layout=box_count&width=450&show_faces=true&action=like&colorscheme=light&font&height=90" scrolling="no" frameborder="0" style="border:none; overflow:hidden; width:450px; height:90px;" allowTransparency="true"></iframe>Chris41336http://www.blogger.com/profile/09315302002695294760noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5254623537089127667.post-63947453219503211042011-10-26T18:32:00.000-07:002011-10-26T18:32:18.842-07:00Ron Paul to Explain to Neoconservatives The Physics of Fences<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://homebrewedtheology.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/01/border-fence.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="213" src="http://homebrewedtheology.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/01/border-fence.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">A fence. Notice how only one side is a solid.</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
Texas Congressman and Presidential Candidate Ron Paul has been getting a lot of press recently, from interviews to articles about his groundbreaking economic plan. A line of his from a <a href="http://nation.foxnews.com/ron-paul/2011/09/07/ron-paul-border-fence-will-be-used-keep-us">recent debate</a>, however, seems to not want to go away - a line concerning his stance on a border fence, where he states that fences can also be used to "keep us in."<br />
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Neo-conservatives have taken a particular disfavor to this view, them being particularly interested in building a fence on the border to keep out illegal immigrants. Mocking Dr. Paul's views, they have been quick to dismiss his views as conspiracy and foolish.<br />
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The argument, however, is less about politics and more about the science of the physics behind fences, says renowned physicist Charles Shoutjammer.<br />
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"The thing Dr. Paul fails to understand is that fences are a phenomenon in physics," he stated, leaning back into his magnetic chair. "One side of the fence is impenetrable. No illegals will get through. The other side, however, is porous - fluid, even. Americans can simply walk through just like they can now."<br />
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A physicist who supports Paul has a different view, which he thinks Paul needs to get across to the people due to it being the right view. "It's irresponsible to believe that one side of the fence is fluid," he states. "A fence is a solid that keeps people out from both sides. Dr. Paul is right that it can keep people in, particularly when being monitored by police or some sort of authority."<br />
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<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="http://gopprimary2012.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/ROnPaul3.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="173" src="http://gopprimary2012.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/ROnPaul3.jpg" width="320" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Build bridges not fences."</td></tr>
</tbody></table>
The American people seem to be a bit confused on the subject. Although they, by a wide margin, support Paul's view on the physics of fences, many of them refuse to acknowledge that they could possibly kept in by one.<br />
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"A fence would never keep Americans in," says John Cryton, an Arizona resident. "The government would make sure that we can always get through that fence as long as we are a citizen, no matter who we are or where we are going. I want to have a fence built."<br />
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Herman Cain, one of Ron Paul's opponents, was seen running into a fence repeatedly to prove Shoutjammer's point. Although immediately unable to breach through the fluid side, Cain was confident that "science would prevail against Paul's ignorance."<br />
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Shoutjammer, despite scientists calling him crazy, has considerable support among neoconservative groups. "What can I say, I speak the truth," he said loudly before snorting some cocaine. "Fucking fences brah."<br />
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The Paul campaign's only comment was: "Look at your damn fence in your yard and tell me it doesn't also keep stuff in."<br />
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<br />Chris41336http://www.blogger.com/profile/09315302002695294760noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5254623537089127667.post-46354893007708370022011-10-24T10:30:00.000-07:002011-10-24T10:30:39.771-07:00Ghaddafi's Secret Crush: Republican Herman Cain<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
<tr><td style="text-align: center;"><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEcy418y2QVBaSghariOH6C8kpaUzHFIuw_f7zlP7VwDJhSGvTD6dCKTwILSpEsAf6Of-4PCXU850q04EmqOHJwl1IHtATrwXMfY1s06Qp_ZhrAyYZ-Hfs70PljujRfFqAvJdKqzG9dYQ/s1600/quaddafi+funny.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto;"><img border="0" height="320" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhEcy418y2QVBaSghariOH6C8kpaUzHFIuw_f7zlP7VwDJhSGvTD6dCKTwILSpEsAf6Of-4PCXU850q04EmqOHJwl1IHtATrwXMfY1s06Qp_ZhrAyYZ-Hfs70PljujRfFqAvJdKqzG9dYQ/s320/quaddafi+funny.jpg" width="317" /></a></td></tr>
<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Ghaddafi's "Mating Stare", which he claimed could woo any human.</td></tr>
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Moammar Ghaddafi's brutal regime in Libya ended this week, with his government succumbing to the rebellion which had lasted months, supported by NATO airstrikes. But what has been making the news more than the end of his political regime are some of the secrets stumbled upon in his now vacant palace: namely, a binder full of images of Republican Presidential Candidate Herman Cain.<br />
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Cain, a former CEO of Godfather Pizza and Chairman of a state Federal Reserve, is on every page of this expansive binder, with some images actually repeating. Written in Arabic on a few of the images were varying Libyan innuendos and sexual comments, including "So Tasty", "Milk Chocolate" and, morbidly, "He can drop bombs on me any time."<br />
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Ghaddafi made headlines several weeks ago when his palace was first captured and it was revealed that the mad dog of the Middle East had a secret crush on Condoleezza Rice. Experts on the ground, however, have made it clear that this was actually just a cover up for his secret crush on Cain.<br />
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"I think it is pretty evident that Ghaddafi had these feelings for Cain and was trying to cover them up with what he would deem more 'legitimate' feelings towards Rice," said Abdul Messina, a psychologist from Libya. "Nobody in their right mind, with as much power as Ghaddafi, would actually find Mrs. Rice beautiful. I mean that with all due respect, of course. Mr. Cain, however, exudes confidence, and that is an attractive quality."<br /><br />
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">Cain's Response: "I wish I had known before his death. I would have sent him flowers."</td></tr>
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The Cain campaign has been quick to downplay this, stating: "It is merely because of Mr. Cain's painful good looks, rather than his policies, that caused Mr. Ghaddafi to fall for him. Mr. Cain does not support such a brutal regime, although he does support his taste in men."<br />
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Ghaddafi's binder, titled "My Little Sugar-Cain", is currently still in the former presidential palace, to be auctioned off to the highest bidder. Currently, Cain's fellow candidate Rick Perry has bid the highest, stating that "It will bring him one step closer to mating Herman Cain and Newt Gingrich to make the perfect running mate."<br />
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<br />Chris41336http://www.blogger.com/profile/09315302002695294760noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5254623537089127667.post-60504893467584280362011-10-23T16:26:00.000-07:002011-10-23T20:40:43.167-07:00Parents of College Students Fight To Keep Them In Debt<table align="center" cellpadding="0" cellspacing="0" class="tr-caption-container" style="margin-left: auto; margin-right: auto; text-align: center;"><tbody>
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<tr><td class="tr-caption" style="text-align: center;">"Sticks and stones may break my bones but loans and debt excite me."</td></tr>
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In a <a href="http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=Gfth22IuyXU">recent interview on Meet the Press</a>, Ron Paul had an excellent discussion with the host about his policies and his presidential candidacy. One of these topics has become a hotbed of discussion concerning Dr. Paul's answer about Federal Student Aid. When asked about the prospect of eliminating Federal Aid, he responded that although it is not in his plan outlined recently for the economy, he hopes that in the future, once prices have begun to decrease, that Federal Aid could be eliminated due to no longer being necessary.<div>
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Dr. Paul's thoughts come from the notion that government loans have helped to inflate the prices of schools across the nation, a thought shared by some economists and, <a href="http://financemymoney.com/student-loan-market-college-loans-for-profit-education-pell-grants-debt-educational-outcomes-bubble-in-higher-education/">particularly when these loans are often offered by the very companies that led to the housing bubble</a>, many are sharing Dr. Paul's sentiments, especially some college students who are feeling the brunt of the loans as they graduate.</div>
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Parents of the students, however, have made their stance very clear: they want their children to remain in debt.</div>
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"Having Joe be in debt will put some hair on his chest," says Joe's father Moe, 56. "Debt is a part of our society, he should get used to it now while he is young."</div>
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Mary Catherine's mother, Susan, has a different outlook: "I don't want to pay for my kid's schooling and I sure as hell am not going to send her to some sort of crappy state school," she said angrily. "Dr. Paul is trying to make my daughter poor."</div>
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Dr. Paul's analysis of prices in the school market is actually quite sound. Take hypothetical <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red;">School A.</span> <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red;">School A </span>had a tuition of <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">$250</span> a semester in the year 1965. Students who could not afford <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red;">School A </span>attended the much cheaper <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: purple;">School B.</span> If <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red;">School A </span>raised prices too high, such that no students could afford it, the school would be forced to close and <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: purple;">School B </span>would get all of the students. </div>
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However, once student loans became widespread, anyone who could not afford <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red;">School A </span>could now simply take loans to pay it. This meant that <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red;">School A </span>was getting the full <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: blue;">$250 </span>per semester from students who were now, essentially, subsidized by the Federal Government. <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red;">School A </span>now raises tuition to make more money, knowing full well that, with the new easy loans, the students will still attend and the school will get the new tuition, in full, despite the tuition hike. This essentially eliminated any reason for <span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: red;">School A </span>keeping tuition low. Rinse and repeat until you get up to $40,000/yr.<span></span></div>
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In the state of New Jersey, however, analyses like this fall on deaf ears, with the best comparison can be seen between two competing schools: Rutgers, the State University, and Rider University, a private school in the west of the state. </div>
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"I could have gone to either," said student Charlie Bonbay, "and Rutgers was cheaper and I actually could have had most of my schooling paid for by the NJ Stars program, and it is also a better school, but I heard that Rider was an awesome party school so that's where I am going to go."</div>
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The price difference? Almost $30,000 per year.</div>
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"I shouldn't have to pay more to go to a good party school," said Charlie, "it's not fair and it's not American."</div>
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Of all of Charlie's financial aid, only approximately 25% was from a Federal Loan, the rest being scholarships and State Grants. </div>
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"I'm upset that he got that many scholarships," Charlie's father said in a phone interview. "He doesn't have to pay that back. That's free money, and that's communist."</div>
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</div>Chris41336http://www.blogger.com/profile/09315302002695294760noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5254623537089127667.post-40338950234452556112011-10-20T07:20:00.000-07:002011-10-20T07:20:50.790-07:00Herman Cain Claims that Apples Cannot be Compared to Oranges; Signs Deal With Mattel for "Apples to Apples: Cain Edition"<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Herman Cain has taken a month off from campaigning to promote his book, but that didn't stop him from showing up at Tuesday Night's CNN Presidential Debate to have his "9-9-9" plan dissected by the other candidates in the field. Mitt Romney hit his plan hard, citing that some states would have to pay a Federal Sales Tax on top of a State Sales Tax, to which in reply Cain took the opportunity to distinguish the difference between "Apples and Oranges." Although seemingly out of the blue, this arboreal analogy seemed to hit home with the American voter, who was becoming increasingly confused with the difference between these two mainstream fruit.</div>
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"I wish he had covered more the difference between Clemetines and Oranges," said Jake Llama, who was present at the debate. "I think that the line between apples and oranges is clear. Blurred, but clear."</div>
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"Romney talking about the bucket full of apples and oranges at the same times was just confusing," said Sally Fiat, also at the debate. "It's bad enough to have apples, but oranges too? That is surely over the daily required dose of fiber."</div>
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Cain may not have been able to successfully defend his positions on apples to oranges against relentless attacks by the other candidates, nor could he when a successful attack by Ron Paul highlighted his naivety in dealing with the economic crisis, but something good did come from the debate for Mr. Cain: Mattel, world renown toy-maker, approached Mr. Cain with a deal to begin producing a new edition of their hit board game "Apples to Apples" in honor of the presidential candidate. Even better, Herman Cain has agreed.</div>
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"This is a business partnership which I believe can really help both Mattel and Herman Cain in the long run," a Mattel spokesman said on the deal. "Mattel can reap the rewards of being connected to an immensely popular candidate, and Mr. Cain can say that he was justified in his analogy in the debate."</div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">Herman Cain: "Oranges require peeling, whilst for apples this is optional."</span></div>
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Cain is in agreement with Mattel's sentiments. "When I made those comparisons Tuesday night nobody knew what I was talking about," Cain started, "but now they will know full well what I mean." The Cain Edition of Apples to Apples is said to replace the traditional Red and Green cards with Black and Orange cards. The Orange to represent oranges, while Cain says that black is "just his favorite color."</div>
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We asked Cain to elaborate on what he meant by his analogy the other night. He replied: "Look. Apples come in a variety of shapes and sizes. Some are more sweet, some more bitter. Some several colors at once, and they all kind of look like pears. All oranges are orange. Some more yellow looking, but they are all orange. Oranges require peeling, whilst for apples this is optional. Peeling an apple is, frankly, counter productive because that is where all of the nutrients are." Cain's ability to orate the true differences between apples and oranges is a testament to his vehement support, who clearly also believe that apples cannot be compared to oranges. </div>
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We asked a natural scientist, Daniel Peabody, his opinion on the matter, and it differed significantly from Cain's. "I spent my whole life surrounded by apples and oranges, and I can tell you right now they are comparable. They are both fruit. They are both sweet and contain some citric acid. They can both be used in a fruit salad. Really, there are more differences than Cain will admit, and far more complexities to the matter. He doesn't even acknowledge that some people eat oranges with the peel still on."</div>
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So, has Cain's "Applegate" become another "9-9-9", on oversimplification of a complicated problem? Cain had this to say in reply: "I am a man who presents solutions to problems. Americans are confused, as they should be. I want to alleviate that confusion and replace it with Herman Cain."</div>
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The Apple Farmer's Guild of America did not reply immediately for comment.</div>Chris41336http://www.blogger.com/profile/09315302002695294760noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5254623537089127667.post-83630381142887557542011-10-15T15:44:00.000-07:002011-11-03T06:59:48.655-07:00NH Switches to "Retroactive Primary" to Remain First-in-the-Nation; Pawlenty Wins<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Everyone knew that this year would be a crazy one for the GOP primaries, but most people didn't imagine it reaching "Inception" levels - at least not this quickly. In retaliation for Florida, Nevada, and every other less important state shifting their primaries forward in the season, New Hampshire, in order to maintain their "first in the nation" status, put into effect its first "Retroactive Primary." </div>
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This new type of Primary behaves exactly like it sounds - it pushes the primary back to a date where, technically, the primary already happened. In NH's case, the date established was August 1st, 2011. Because the Primary <i>technically </i>already happened, no further election was held. Instead, immediately upon passage of this new primary, the election results were determined based on candidate viability on August 1st. Stunning many in the media, Tim "Good and Plenty" Pawlenty managed to eek out a win from the hotly contested state of NH.</div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">Some New Hampshire voters didn't even know the Primary had taken place. It's called "paying attention."</span></div>
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A few New Hampshire voters were less than happy about the results. One, namely George Onceahippy, age 79, began to cry when we broke him the news: "I don't understand. How did the Primary already take place? I watch the news every day. I wanted to vote in it and now I didn't get my chance." </div>
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Others, like Sarah Beaumont, couldn't care less: "I don't even know what a Primary is," she said smiling while she shopped for shoes at the mall. "But why should I care? That was, like, two months ago."</div>
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New Hampshire's Election Board released this statement regarding people's anger towards this move: "We cannot be responsible for people's lack of involvement in the political process. If you wanted to participate, you should have voted on the date of the primary, which was August 1st. To regret that decision now is, frankly, only harmful to yourself and to our state. In fact, you should probably move out because we follow the motto 'Live Free or Die', and you clearly don't follow this rule."</div>
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Pawlenty's campaign, or lack of one, was absolutely excited for the stupendous victory. </div>
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"To think, a few weeks ago I thought it was all over," Pawlenty said gleefully. "To hell with Iowa's gay straw poll, I won New Hampshire. Ron Paul was gaining ground here, and I'm so glad to be a part of not allowing that to continue."</div>
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We then asked Pawlenty where he would be campaigning next, to which he replied: "Campaign? I already dropped out. This was a God damn constellation prize."</div>
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The National RNC, in response to New Hampshire's new rule, has granted New Hampshire double delegates for the upcoming primary season, citing as their reason: "They got some fucking balls."</div>
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<iframe src="//www.facebook.com/plugins/like.php?href=https%3A%2F%2Fwww.facebook.com%2Fpages%2FLulzington-Post%2F236171516443094&send=false&layout=box_count&width=450&show_faces=true&action=like&colorscheme=light&font&height=90" scrolling="no" frameborder="0" style="border:none; overflow:hidden; width:450px; height:90px;" allowTransparency="true"></iframe>Chris41336http://www.blogger.com/profile/09315302002695294760noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5254623537089127667.post-70180296443153481912011-10-14T22:28:00.000-07:002011-10-14T22:28:16.676-07:00Herman Cain Announces "007" Plan for Foreign Policy: Cites Nintendo 64 as Influence<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">A Herman Cain President has a License to Kill</span></div>
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Most Americans, or at least GOP primary voters, are by now accustomed to Herman "The Hermanator" Cain's economic plan - namely, 9-9-9. But tonight, Lulzington Post has an exclusive look at the Hermanator's newest numerical nomenclature: his "007 Plan" for US Foreign Policy.</div>
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To a crowd of raucous supporters in Tennessee, Cain announced his plan at a frat party around 1 A.M. ET, immediately upon completing a game of "Goldeneye: 007" on his Nintendo 64 Console. </div>
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"This plan represents a huge shift in American foreign policy," Cain started. "Too long have we tiptoed around like the rest of the world matters. When you look at James Bond, one of the greatest men in history, he was not afraid to make hard choices and kill without remorse to make sure that the mission is complete. I am here to tell everyone tonight, America should be just like James Bond."</div>
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"We shouldn't be afraid to blow some motha' fucka's up," Cain shouted at the end of his speech to loud shouts from the frat boys. "I mean Bond was one man and literally saved the world like a thousand times. By that logic, the United States should be able to save the world...a number of times that I don't wish to calculate at this moment."</div>
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Included in this plan are a few policies that he hopes to pass through Congress:</div>
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<li>All Americans after the age of 18 can apply for a "license to kill" (pending no previous felonies). This license is only valid in foreign countries or when doing it "for England."</li>
<li>All bars required to serve ONLY Martinis (Gin, not Vodka) which are "Shaken, Not Stirred" for at least three days a week.</li>
<li>7% increase in spending towards scientific research in the hopes to "get some God damn James Bond cars for our boys in Afghanalanistanistan. Or whatever it's called."</li>
<li>Immediate research emphasis placed on finding the so-called "golden gun" as well as the "Goldeneye Defense Grid".</li>
<li>A demand that "Alec Trevelyan must shut the door, because there is a God damn draft. And I know he in on that shit anyway from the first time I seen him."</li>
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The Press was quick to question Cain on this policies, particularly considering his 999 plan has recently received scrutiny for being stolen from the game <a href="http://abcnews.go.com/blogs/politics/2011/10/did-cains-9-9-9-plan-come-from-a-video-game/">Sim City</a>. Cain replied with a large belch and a hearty laugh before marching off with the frat boys.</div>
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Before we left, Cain started talking about his up -and- coming plans yet to be released, including a "Hyrule" plan, which he began to describe as the "only way to defeat Ganondorf", as well as a "Toadstool" plan that he said would help guide the country out of the recession by placing small, semi-opaque mushroom men in people's homes as a means of government communication for advice.</div>
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<br /></div>Chris41336http://www.blogger.com/profile/09315302002695294760noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5254623537089127667.post-48766121663901897512011-10-13T15:30:00.000-07:002011-10-13T15:30:26.355-07:00Hermain Cain Questioning the Integrity of Ron Paul's Eyebrows<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">"Honkey ain't understand that no eyebrows is the way to go."</span></div>
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Amid all of the political discussions occurring this week, talking of the Federal Reserve and how to fix our economy, one political discussion trumps everything else: the integrity of Ron Paul's eyebrows at the Tuesday night debate.</div>
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Hermain Cain was the first candidate to begin lobbing shots. Cain, a former Godfather Pizza CEO, explained happily: "This is why I don't have eyebrows. They are nothing but trouble and can make you seem like there is something wrong with you. Dr. Paul, I have a message for you: Wax-Wax-Wax." Other media outlets <a href="http://news.yahoo.com/blogs/ticket/ron-paul-droopy-eyebrow-prompts-suspicion-184456720.html">soon picked up on Paul's eyebrow's disappearing act.</a></div>
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Cain used this to, for the first time in Dr. Paul's consistent history, question his integrity. </div>
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"How can we trust Dr. Paul's integrity when we can't trust the integrity of his eyebrows? You can tell alot about a man by his eyebrows. For example: my lack of them directly correlates to my ability to balance a spoon on my nose. Perfectly."</div>
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Rick "The Dick" Santorum, another candidate opposing Dr. Paul, had this to say about the strange occurence: "Yeah, I'm not sure what was going on with that. Shit looked like it was crawling off his face. Must have been made in China. He's clearly not presidential material."</div>
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Based on Google records, Ron Paul's eyebrow has received more media attention than Paul himself following the debate, prompting calls of media bias to which the Media has generally refused to comment, except for Fox News, who merely stated: "I guess Ron Paul decided <i>to do it live</i>."</div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">Ron's eyebrow distracted Cain while he delivered him a verbal ass whooping.</span></div>Chris41336http://www.blogger.com/profile/09315302002695294760noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5254623537089127667.post-84447540035787567462011-10-13T06:53:00.000-07:002011-10-13T06:55:56.851-07:00Ash Ketchum Endorses Hermain Cain for President<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">"I choose you, Herman Cain!"</span></div>
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There have been a flurry of endorsements in the GOP primary race so far, from Tim Pawlenty early drop out and endorsement to Chris Christie's recent endorsement of Mitt Romney. No endorsement has made quite so much of a splash, however, as one that just came out this morning: Ash Ketchum has endorsed Hermain Cain for President.</div>
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In a huge press conference outside of his humble home (where he still lives with his mother and father figure Mr. Mime), Ash made a riveting speech explaining his endorsement. </div>
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<a href="http://www.bolgernow.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/Herman-Cain-close-up-funny-face-300x125.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" src="http://www.bolgernow.com/blog/wp-content/uploads/2011/06/Herman-Cain-close-up-funny-face-300x125.jpg" /></a></div>
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: x-small;">Cain: "The cost of Poke-balls is too damn high!"</span></div>
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"He wants to be the very best, like no one ever was," he began to a cheering crowd. "To enter the race was his real test, to win it is his cause." Concluding, he shook the Hermanator's hand and shouted: "Soon, the voters will understand, the power that's inside! I choose you, Herman Cain!"</div>
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The roaring of the crowd represents a huge shift in the Pokemon League's political paradigm. As of late, they had been supporting Mitt Romney based on his recently uncovered massive Pokemon card collection, containing "upwards of 3,000 holographic cards, most of which had writing implying that they had been traded from little children in the late nineties", said AP spokesman Ronald Garner.</div>
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The shift to Cain, however, represents Cain's new economic policy: a choice of 9 of each of the starting Pokemon at the beginning of your travels instead of just one. This gives people in the league a much greater chance of picking their "match", because Cain's "9-9-9" plan gives players the choice of 9 Bulbasaurs, 9 Charmanders, or 9 Squirtles, each with their own personality. It also comes off of the heels of Cain's endorsement of Pokemon the Movie 2000:<br />
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Cain's response: "This is one thing that, if read on the internet, should be believed. Flavor of the week? I am Hermain Cain, and I am a black walnut."</div>
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<br /></div>Chris41336http://www.blogger.com/profile/09315302002695294760noreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5254623537089127667.post-45849384093385304462011-10-12T20:38:00.000-07:002011-10-12T20:38:42.024-07:00The Number 9 Wins Dartmouth Republican DebateLast night, the GOP contenders for the highest political office in the nation gathered at Dartmouth College to discuss their plans to help America's ailing economy.<br />
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What stole the thunder last night, however, was no a candidate, or even an idea: it was the number 9.<br />
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<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgq-mRF5lE7JHYX49NPkjy1DaD1GQKLQWyq95K_njbopwMBzK_WK4ilEV91B46Sd7yAqfkZtn-xkFe5qEFDdyF_nOZAqRsr2hXxT-oxShSui1jD_aVANCQLGJeXVucZF7VRQ_Dn3mmZcRND/s400/nineone.jpg" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="228" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgq-mRF5lE7JHYX49NPkjy1DaD1GQKLQWyq95K_njbopwMBzK_WK4ilEV91B46Sd7yAqfkZtn-xkFe5qEFDdyF_nOZAqRsr2hXxT-oxShSui1jD_aVANCQLGJeXVucZF7VRQ_Dn3mmZcRND/s320/nineone.jpg" width="320" /></a></div>
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This is not at all surprising given that the new GOP God Hermain Cain's economic policy itself contains not one, but <i>three </i>mentions of this amazing number, and that plan was repeated by both Cain and his competitors several times over.<br />
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The number 9 has for a long time sat in the shadows as nearly insignificant, especially considering when some numbers, like 7, are known to many as "the Lord's number". (This is, in fact, a lie, as the Lord has stated that he loves all numbers equally, except 6, which he deems "inadequate.") In fact, for a very long time it was believed, in ignorance, that seven <i>ate</i> nine.<br />
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But not last night. Last night, 9 stood as a resounding victor in Dartmouth, and it had one commentator worked up.<br />
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"I didn't realize how much I loved the number 9 before tonight," said John Foreskin of New Hampshire. "I mean, I knew that I wanted something different, but the number 9 just makes so much sense when it's spoken so well and so frequently. I mean, come on. It's 9-9-9."<br />
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Another woman was excited at the prospects of this number based on a more close-to-home reference:<br />
"My son turned 9 on September 9th, '99", she said happily. "Cain's economic plan really speaks to me. It must be fate."<br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: xx-small;">Cain you feel it? That's Cain's energy level. It's over 9000.</span></div>
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Trying to rain a parade on the number 9 was Congressman Ron Paul, who called the Hermanator out on several topics including his previous job as a Federal Reserve Chairman and his belief that the Fed does not need to be audited. He also made Cain seem foolish in selecting Alan Greenspan as one of the best Federal Reserve Chairmen. </div>
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In reply, Cain had this to say: "9-9-9". </div>
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Representatives for the number 9 had no immediate comment except to reiterate that it has never been eaten by 7.</div>Chris41336http://www.blogger.com/profile/09315302002695294760noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5254623537089127667.post-36592846464663703362011-09-17T17:02:00.000-07:002011-09-17T17:02:08.944-07:00Rick Perry In First Place According to Rick Perry Supporters<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: xx-small;">"BACK the FUCK away from the podium."</span><br />
A recent Gallup poll showed that, among Rick Perry supporters, Rick Perry garnered nearly 100% of the support for this upcoming GOP Primary.<br />
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"This really is a strong indicator of our forward momentum," said Charles Longbladder, CEO of Merck industries and manager of the Perry Campaign. "Rick Perry is the choice for America, and I think that Americans are starting to accept that." The full results of the Poll is below:<br />
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<i>If the GOP primary was tomorrow, who would you vote for?</i><br />
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<ol>
<li><i>Rick Perry 99%</i></li>
<li><i>Mitt Romney 0%</i></li>
<li><i>Ron Paul 0%</i></li>
<li><i>Michelle Bachmann 0%</i></li>
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In a similar poll conducted a few weeks ago among non-Rick Perry supporters, Rick Perry was only able to maintain around 20% of the vote. This is a marked increase and represents the surging of his campaign. </div>
Chris41336http://www.blogger.com/profile/09315302002695294760noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5254623537089127667.post-81824224099448041092011-08-31T17:36:00.001-07:002011-08-31T18:05:45.821-07:00Hurricane Irene Offended by Ron Paul's RemarksOn August 27-28th, Hurricane Irene arrived on the shore of New Jersey on the East Coast of the United States to much fanfare. But what ended up stealing the show was not Irene herself, but Presidential candidate Ron Paul's remarks concerning the cleanup efforts of the Federal Government.<br />
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<span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: #ebeff9; color: #333333; font-family: arial, sans-serif; font-size: 15px; line-height: 21px;">"You can't imagine how many calls we get because FEMA is getting in the way and they can't get their checks, they can't get their bailout,"</span></blockquote>
Paul states, speaking of the inadequacy of FEMA in his home district on the coast of Texas which was impacted by Hurricane Katrina in 2005. FEMA is the U.S. Federal Government's "Emergency Response Team", and is sent to aid the states in cleaning up the results of a disaster.<br />
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While many congressmen and governors disagreed with Paul's statements, nobody disagreed as vehemently as Irene herself.<br />
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"I don't understand," she told Lulzington reporter Chad Bathingsparse, "My goal in hitting the United States, particularly the northeast, is to show that people cannot naturally take care of themselves. Humans NEED a strong government to come in and save them after a natural disaster. They have no sense of community or fraternity with their neighbors."<br />
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When asked about other countries, such as those in the Caribbean who don't have as wealthy centralized governments and their reactions to her, Irene had this to say:<br />
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"The key difference here is that these countries are, frankly, not living in reality. I mean what sort of people ban together on a local level to help rebuild infrastructure? It defeats my whole point of reeking havok."<br />
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Connecticut Governor Dan Malloy called Ron Paul an "idiot" for his comments, particularly in Irene's wake, and followed up by stating that:<br />
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"Connecticut is the richest state in the Union currently, and we can't maintain that by spending money to rebuild. If the Federal Government doesn't help us out, we could have to use some of <i>our</i> money to help each other and, by the transitive property or some s***, it will lead to people losing jobs. Nobody wants to lose their job, right?" </blockquote>
"See, this guy gets it," Irene continued. "Humans are inherently unwilling to cooperate, which is why they need a government to save them or they would all die. I am here to remind them of that so that the human race can continue to live successfully. Ipso facto, without Hurricanes and, in turn, FEMA, humans would die a painful death."<br />
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When asked how the United States survived without FEMA before 1978, Irene simply began cursing at our reporter and began calling him a selfish racist rich white male Christian with no regards for anyone else in the country before proceeding to rape Vermont hard as a Tropical Storm. Our reporter, a black Muslim from Detroit, was confused by these comments.Chris41336http://www.blogger.com/profile/09315302002695294760noreply@blogger.com0