Romney Joins Huntsman's Party as "Witch-Hunter"; Skips Thanksgiving Forum to Battle in NH

Mitt Romney, seen here after bringing hell down upon the witches in Keene, NH.

While the Other Candidates Continue to Campaign, Romney and Huntsman Join Forces to Defeat Evil

Almost everyone is aware of Republican Presidential Candidate Jon Huntsman's tendency to fight the creatures of the night. Lulzington Post has received word, however, that fellow candidate Mitt Romney has joined forces with Huntsman to defeat what they have called "the forces of evil" in NH, which they say are "ever so prevalent".

"We never understood why Huntsman chose to spend all of his time in NH," a Romney aide said. "After visiting, however, it is clear that there is evil at work here that must be taken care of." As evidenced by their recent lack of appearance at the family forum, Romney and Huntsman have been hard at work bringing blight to those who would harm humanity.

Romney, a new addition to Huntsman's party, has been called the "Witch-Hunter" for his prowess at finding those who practice the evil arts.

"We don't discriminate," Huntsman said as he drove a wooden stake into a vampire's heart. "He hunts Warlocks as well."

Other members of the party include Pious, the Mage, as well as Tyronne the Warrior. Each of the classes, according to Hunstman, has a specific role in his party. "You can't fight evil magic without good magic. Tyronne is just the typical tank who can take a lot of damage."

The first notable figure to be accused of witchcraft was actually the Mormon friends' unified enemy in the form of a fellow candidate, Congressman Ron Paul.

Congressman Paul the White charging into battle.

Romney claims that Paul is a powerful warlock with the ability to use the hope of others to remain young.

"He's dangerous," Romney said angrily. "We think that he is building an army in Iowa like the world has never seen." (This was , of course, likely in retaliation for Paul's soaring poll numbers in Iowa.)

Paul's campaign did not immediately reply to our requests to comment.

Herman Cain Discusses the Rebellion in Narnia

Although Cain frequents Narnia, he doesn't necessarily support the freedom fighters there.

Cain might not have defended Narnia; Paul says that Narnia "doesn't exist".
Last night, Republican candidate Herman Cain sat down with Lulzington Post to discuss where his administration would be concerning President Obama's foreign policy decisions concerning the nation of Narnia. Needless to say, the results were surprising:

Cain was clear in his ambiguity. This leads us to postulate one conclusion: if Herman Cain was President, there is a very good change that Narnia would still be in the hands of the White Witch. By refusing to admit if Obama's support of Aslan's forces was proper, Cain has positioned himself in a tentative position.

Other Republican frontrunners, including Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney, came out chiding Cain for his "irresponsible" remarks.

"Cain has clearly shown that he has no sense of good and evil," said Newt. "But I think he did an excellent job of answering an otherwise ridiculous question. He still would do a better job than Obama at defending the rights of Narnians."

While Cain and the other Republican candidates argue about who would have done more (or less) than Obama for Narnia, Ron Paul remains a striking contrast insisting that Narnia, in fact, does not exist.

Aslan, the leader of Narnia's Rebellion. Does he look "fake" to you?

"Narnia is a fictional land created by a talented author. The fact that we are even entertaining the idea that it is real, or that Obama did anything with it, is madness," says Paul, who was having trouble not laughing. "Please tell me that this is a joke?"

While Paul may consider supporting Narnia a joke, most GOP primary voters do not. A recent Gallup poll shows "Support For Narnia" at 37% in the most important topic for the upcoming presidential election.

Paul, nearly ignored by the media, has recently been allowed the designation of "top tier" with his rivals. Meanwhile, second-tier candidate Jon Huntsman has returned to NH to continue his vampire hunting.

Herman Cain Accuses his Accusers of Rape

"I just don't know what I did to deserve that sort of treatment."

Herman Cain stunned audiences on Wednesday afternoon when, in a surprise press release, Cain further muddled the story about the sexual allegations against him. To a crowd of approximately seven people, Cain declared that it was HE who was in fact not just sexually harassed by his accusers, but raped.

"These women are trying to blame the victim," he shouted loudly. "These are the foulest women I have ever met."

Cain continued on, explaining the traumatic situation which happened to him before he was head of the NRA. He stated that he was looking for a job, and that in reply two of these women held him down while the third and fourth proceeded to "try to make him feel good", with the result being him instead feeling "violated and scared."

"The one women straddled me and asked me to feel her leg," he said sadly, "and I obliged because I was afraid. I then proceeded to stick a dollar in her panties in a futile attempt to get her to leave me alone."

He continued that "she grabbed my head and brought it towards her genitals and, despite my pleas which fell on deaf ears, I was forced into cunnilingus."

Cain wiped a tear from his eye as he hugged his wife and declared that these women "will never hurt anyone again" thanks to all of this exposure. 

Cain has remained on top despite the harassment claims against him, yet strangely since this news his support has begun to decline.

"I don't want some pussy ass bitch as my president," says Buck Wheatman from TN. "Raped by a bunch of women? Are you shittin' me? We need someone willing to rape as president, not a rape victim."

Since the break of the news, support has risen for Rick Perry, who was claimed to be one of Cain's accusers and now, it seems, actually harassed Cain. 

DEVELOPING: Jon Huntsman to Stop Vampire Hunting in NH and Focus On Campaign

You're nothing to him but another dead vampire

Nashua, NH -- Reports have come in from our reporters in New Hampshire that Jon Huntsman is going to end his vampire hunting in northwestern New Hampshire and return to the campaign trail. This comes off of the heels of several reports which claimed that Huntsman had nearly hunted the vampire species to extinction.

"He's painfully good at what he does," says resident William Cuttingham. "We haven't had any vampire attacks in weeks since he started hunting here."

Many have wondered why Huntsman, who has very little support, even in New Hampshire, continues to remain ONLY in New Hampshire rather than broaden his base. He may now finally have that opportunity.

"Now that his job is done, he can move on," says his campaign manager, who was putting some weapons away in the back of his truck. "There are vampires elsewhere to be fought."

Huntsman currently garners around 2% of the vote for the Republican nomination, a low number that he blames on the "vampire population" around the country.

Stay tuned for future developments of Huntsman's next destination.

Dual-wielding is enabled by default in the Huntsman campaign.

A note to our vampire readers: you will know as soon as we know.

Herman Cain's Third Accuser Revealed to be Rick Perry

As if Herman Cain's troubles weren't enough already with three currently anonymous women accusing him of sexual harassment in his time as chairman of the Restaurant Association, one of the accusations may prove to be his downfall. Fellow Republican contender to the presidency and Texas Governor Rick Perry has accused Cain of sexual harassment in 1994, marking the first of the three accusers to come out of anonymity.

"I didn't tell anyone right away because I was scared," Perry said in an interview. "I didn't want him to hurt me again like he did before. But now, I am confident that I am safe enough through being in the public eye that he can never do those things to me again."

Perry has accused Cain of being overtly sexual to him in 1994, including gestures such as, to quote Perry, "humpin' the air like a God damn dog on heat" and feigned fellatio. It also included licking his lips, calling Perry a "slice of white with ricotta", and repeated shouts of "lick my nine, nine, nine!"  

We asked Cain to comment, and a representative was quick to send this release:

"Mr. Cain has never sexually harassed anyone besides Rick Perry. Rick Perry deserved the harassment and Mr. Cain asked him to dinner afterwards to make up for being so forward. If Rick Perry didn't want to be harassed he shouldn't dress so sexually."

"I hope that me having the courage to speak out will encourage more women, and men, who were harassed by Cain to come forward so that this monster gets put away like he should be," Perry added forcefully after taking a swig from a flask in his jacket.

We asked Perry if he believes he deserved to be harassed in such a way, at which point Perry began weeping and said that he doesn't think "anyone deserves that."

Time will tell whether or not this will help or hurt either Perry or Cain's campaign.