Herman Cain Accuses his Accusers of Rape

"I just don't know what I did to deserve that sort of treatment."

Herman Cain stunned audiences on Wednesday afternoon when, in a surprise press release, Cain further muddled the story about the sexual allegations against him. To a crowd of approximately seven people, Cain declared that it was HE who was in fact not just sexually harassed by his accusers, but raped.

"These women are trying to blame the victim," he shouted loudly. "These are the foulest women I have ever met."

Cain continued on, explaining the traumatic situation which happened to him before he was head of the NRA. He stated that he was looking for a job, and that in reply two of these women held him down while the third and fourth proceeded to "try to make him feel good", with the result being him instead feeling "violated and scared."

"The one women straddled me and asked me to feel her leg," he said sadly, "and I obliged because I was afraid. I then proceeded to stick a dollar in her panties in a futile attempt to get her to leave me alone."

He continued that "she grabbed my head and brought it towards her genitals and, despite my pleas which fell on deaf ears, I was forced into cunnilingus."

Cain wiped a tear from his eye as he hugged his wife and declared that these women "will never hurt anyone again" thanks to all of this exposure. 

Cain has remained on top despite the harassment claims against him, yet strangely since this news his support has begun to decline.

"I don't want some pussy ass bitch as my president," says Buck Wheatman from TN. "Raped by a bunch of women? Are you shittin' me? We need someone willing to rape as president, not a rape victim."

Since the break of the news, support has risen for Rick Perry, who was claimed to be one of Cain's accusers and now, it seems, actually harassed Cain.