Herman Cain Discusses the Rebellion in Narnia

Although Cain frequents Narnia, he doesn't necessarily support the freedom fighters there.

Cain might not have defended Narnia; Paul says that Narnia "doesn't exist".
Last night, Republican candidate Herman Cain sat down with Lulzington Post to discuss where his administration would be concerning President Obama's foreign policy decisions concerning the nation of Narnia. Needless to say, the results were surprising:

Cain was clear in his ambiguity. This leads us to postulate one conclusion: if Herman Cain was President, there is a very good change that Narnia would still be in the hands of the White Witch. By refusing to admit if Obama's support of Aslan's forces was proper, Cain has positioned himself in a tentative position.

Other Republican frontrunners, including Newt Gingrich and Mitt Romney, came out chiding Cain for his "irresponsible" remarks.

"Cain has clearly shown that he has no sense of good and evil," said Newt. "But I think he did an excellent job of answering an otherwise ridiculous question. He still would do a better job than Obama at defending the rights of Narnians."

While Cain and the other Republican candidates argue about who would have done more (or less) than Obama for Narnia, Ron Paul remains a striking contrast insisting that Narnia, in fact, does not exist.

Aslan, the leader of Narnia's Rebellion. Does he look "fake" to you?

"Narnia is a fictional land created by a talented author. The fact that we are even entertaining the idea that it is real, or that Obama did anything with it, is madness," says Paul, who was having trouble not laughing. "Please tell me that this is a joke?"

While Paul may consider supporting Narnia a joke, most GOP primary voters do not. A recent Gallup poll shows "Support For Narnia" at 37% in the most important topic for the upcoming presidential election.

Paul, nearly ignored by the media, has recently been allowed the designation of "top tier" with his rivals. Meanwhile, second-tier candidate Jon Huntsman has returned to NH to continue his vampire hunting.

Herman Cain Accuses his Accusers of Rape

"I just don't know what I did to deserve that sort of treatment."

Herman Cain stunned audiences on Wednesday afternoon when, in a surprise press release, Cain further muddled the story about the sexual allegations against him. To a crowd of approximately seven people, Cain declared that it was HE who was in fact not just sexually harassed by his accusers, but raped.

"These women are trying to blame the victim," he shouted loudly. "These are the foulest women I have ever met."

Cain continued on, explaining the traumatic situation which happened to him before he was head of the NRA. He stated that he was looking for a job, and that in reply two of these women held him down while the third and fourth proceeded to "try to make him feel good", with the result being him instead feeling "violated and scared."

"The one women straddled me and asked me to feel her leg," he said sadly, "and I obliged because I was afraid. I then proceeded to stick a dollar in her panties in a futile attempt to get her to leave me alone."

He continued that "she grabbed my head and brought it towards her genitals and, despite my pleas which fell on deaf ears, I was forced into cunnilingus."

Cain wiped a tear from his eye as he hugged his wife and declared that these women "will never hurt anyone again" thanks to all of this exposure. 

Cain has remained on top despite the harassment claims against him, yet strangely since this news his support has begun to decline.

"I don't want some pussy ass bitch as my president," says Buck Wheatman from TN. "Raped by a bunch of women? Are you shittin' me? We need someone willing to rape as president, not a rape victim."

Since the break of the news, support has risen for Rick Perry, who was claimed to be one of Cain's accusers and now, it seems, actually harassed Cain. 

DEVELOPING: Jon Huntsman to Stop Vampire Hunting in NH and Focus On Campaign

You're nothing to him but another dead vampire

Nashua, NH -- Reports have come in from our reporters in New Hampshire that Jon Huntsman is going to end his vampire hunting in northwestern New Hampshire and return to the campaign trail. This comes off of the heels of several reports which claimed that Huntsman had nearly hunted the vampire species to extinction.

"He's painfully good at what he does," says resident William Cuttingham. "We haven't had any vampire attacks in weeks since he started hunting here."

Many have wondered why Huntsman, who has very little support, even in New Hampshire, continues to remain ONLY in New Hampshire rather than broaden his base. He may now finally have that opportunity.

"Now that his job is done, he can move on," says his campaign manager, who was putting some weapons away in the back of his truck. "There are vampires elsewhere to be fought."

Huntsman currently garners around 2% of the vote for the Republican nomination, a low number that he blames on the "vampire population" around the country.

Stay tuned for future developments of Huntsman's next destination.

Dual-wielding is enabled by default in the Huntsman campaign.

A note to our vampire readers: you will know as soon as we know.

Herman Cain's Third Accuser Revealed to be Rick Perry

As if Herman Cain's troubles weren't enough already with three currently anonymous women accusing him of sexual harassment in his time as chairman of the Restaurant Association, one of the accusations may prove to be his downfall. Fellow Republican contender to the presidency and Texas Governor Rick Perry has accused Cain of sexual harassment in 1994, marking the first of the three accusers to come out of anonymity.

"I didn't tell anyone right away because I was scared," Perry said in an interview. "I didn't want him to hurt me again like he did before. But now, I am confident that I am safe enough through being in the public eye that he can never do those things to me again."

Perry has accused Cain of being overtly sexual to him in 1994, including gestures such as, to quote Perry, "humpin' the air like a God damn dog on heat" and feigned fellatio. It also included licking his lips, calling Perry a "slice of white with ricotta", and repeated shouts of "lick my nine, nine, nine!"  

We asked Cain to comment, and a representative was quick to send this release:

"Mr. Cain has never sexually harassed anyone besides Rick Perry. Rick Perry deserved the harassment and Mr. Cain asked him to dinner afterwards to make up for being so forward. If Rick Perry didn't want to be harassed he shouldn't dress so sexually."

"I hope that me having the courage to speak out will encourage more women, and men, who were harassed by Cain to come forward so that this monster gets put away like he should be," Perry added forcefully after taking a swig from a flask in his jacket.

We asked Perry if he believes he deserved to be harassed in such a way, at which point Perry began weeping and said that he doesn't think "anyone deserves that."

Time will tell whether or not this will help or hurt either Perry or Cain's campaign.

Ron Paul to Explain to Neoconservatives The Physics of Fences

A fence. Notice how only one side is a solid.

Texas Congressman and Presidential Candidate Ron Paul has been getting a lot of press recently, from interviews to articles about his groundbreaking economic plan. A line of his from a recent debate, however, seems to not want to go away - a line concerning his stance on a border fence, where he states that fences can also be used to "keep us in."

Neo-conservatives have taken a particular disfavor to this view, them being particularly interested in building a fence on the border to keep out illegal immigrants. Mocking Dr. Paul's views, they have been quick to dismiss his views as conspiracy and foolish.

The argument, however, is less about politics and more about the science of the physics behind fences, says renowned physicist Charles Shoutjammer.

"The thing Dr. Paul fails to understand is that fences are a phenomenon in physics," he stated, leaning back into his magnetic chair. "One side of the fence is impenetrable. No illegals will get through. The other side, however, is porous - fluid, even. Americans can simply walk through just like they can now."

A physicist who supports Paul has a different view, which he thinks Paul needs to get across to the people due to it being the right view. "It's irresponsible to believe that one side of the fence is fluid," he states. "A fence is a solid that keeps people out from both sides. Dr. Paul is right that it can keep people in, particularly when being monitored by police or some sort of authority."

"Build bridges not fences."

The American people seem to be a bit confused on the subject. Although they, by a wide margin, support Paul's view on the physics of fences, many of them refuse to acknowledge that they could possibly kept in by one.

"A fence would never keep Americans in," says John Cryton, an Arizona resident. "The government would make sure that we can always get through that fence as long as we are a citizen, no matter who we are or where we are going. I want to have a fence built."

Herman Cain, one of Ron Paul's opponents, was seen running into a fence repeatedly to prove Shoutjammer's point. Although immediately unable to breach through the fluid side, Cain was confident that "science would prevail against Paul's ignorance."

Shoutjammer, despite scientists calling him crazy, has considerable support among neoconservative groups. "What can I say, I speak the truth," he said loudly before snorting some cocaine. "Fucking fences brah."

The Paul campaign's only comment was: "Look at your damn fence in your yard and tell me it doesn't also keep stuff in."

Ghaddafi's Secret Crush: Republican Herman Cain

Ghaddafi's "Mating Stare", which he claimed could woo any human.

Moammar Ghaddafi's brutal regime in Libya ended this week, with his government succumbing to the rebellion which had lasted months, supported by NATO airstrikes. But what has been making the news more than the end of his political regime are some of the secrets stumbled upon in his now vacant palace: namely, a binder full of images of  Republican Presidential Candidate Herman Cain.

Cain, a former CEO of Godfather Pizza and Chairman of a state Federal Reserve, is on every page of this expansive binder, with some images actually repeating. Written in Arabic on a few of the images were varying Libyan innuendos and sexual comments, including "So Tasty", "Milk Chocolate" and, morbidly, "He can drop bombs on me any time."

 Ghaddafi made headlines several weeks ago when his palace was first captured and it was revealed that the mad dog of the Middle East had a secret crush on Condoleezza Rice. Experts on the ground, however, have made it clear that this was actually just a cover up for his secret crush on Cain.

"I think it is pretty evident that Ghaddafi had these feelings for Cain and was trying to cover them up with what he would deem more 'legitimate' feelings towards Rice," said Abdul Messina, a psychologist from Libya. "Nobody in their right mind, with as much power as Ghaddafi, would actually find Mrs. Rice beautiful. I mean that with all due respect, of course. Mr. Cain, however, exudes confidence, and that is an attractive quality."

Cain's Response: "I wish I had known before his death. I would have sent him flowers."

The Cain campaign has been quick to downplay this, stating: "It is merely because of Mr. Cain's painful good looks, rather than his policies, that caused Mr. Ghaddafi to fall for him. Mr. Cain does not support such a brutal regime, although he does support his taste in men."

Ghaddafi's binder, titled "My Little Sugar-Cain", is currently still in the former presidential palace, to be auctioned off to the highest bidder. Currently, Cain's fellow candidate Rick Perry has bid the highest, stating that "It will bring him one step closer to mating Herman Cain and Newt Gingrich to make the perfect running mate."

Parents of College Students Fight To Keep Them In Debt

"Sticks and stones may break my bones but loans and debt excite me."

In a recent interview on Meet the Press, Ron Paul had an excellent discussion with the host about his policies and his presidential candidacy. One of these topics has become a hotbed of discussion concerning Dr. Paul's answer about Federal Student Aid. When asked about the prospect of eliminating Federal Aid, he responded that although it is not in his plan outlined recently for the economy, he hopes that in the future, once prices have begun to decrease, that Federal Aid could be eliminated due to no longer being necessary.

Dr. Paul's thoughts come from the notion that government loans have helped to inflate the prices of schools across the nation, a thought shared by some economists and, particularly when these loans are often offered by the very companies that led to the housing bubble, many are sharing Dr. Paul's sentiments, especially some college students who are feeling the brunt of the loans as they graduate.

Parents of the students, however, have made their stance very clear: they want their children to remain in debt.

"Having Joe be in debt will put some hair on his chest," says Joe's father Moe, 56. "Debt is a part of our society, he should get used to it now while he is young."

Mary Catherine's mother, Susan, has a different outlook: "I don't want to pay for my kid's schooling and I sure as hell am not going to send her to some sort of crappy state school," she said angrily. "Dr. Paul is trying to make my daughter poor."

Dr. Paul's analysis of prices in the school market is actually quite sound. Take hypothetical School A. School A had a tuition of $250 a semester in the year 1965. Students who could not afford School A attended the much cheaper School B. If School A raised prices too high, such that no students could afford it, the school would be forced to close and School B would get all of the students. 

However, once student loans became widespread, anyone who could not afford School A could now simply take loans to pay it. This meant that School A was getting the full $250 per semester from students who were now, essentially, subsidized by the Federal Government. School A now raises tuition to make more money, knowing full well that, with the new easy loans, the students will still attend and the school will get the new tuition, in full, despite the tuition hike. This essentially eliminated any reason for School A keeping tuition low. Rinse and repeat until you get up to $40,000/yr.

In the state of New Jersey, however, analyses like this fall on deaf ears, with the best comparison can be seen between two competing schools: Rutgers, the State University, and Rider University, a private school in the west of the state. 

"I could have gone to either," said student Charlie Bonbay, "and Rutgers was cheaper and I actually could have had most of my schooling paid for by the NJ Stars program, and it is also a better school, but I heard that Rider was an awesome party school so that's where I am going to go."

The price difference? Almost $30,000 per year.

"I shouldn't have to pay more to go to a good party school," said Charlie, "it's not fair and it's not American."

Of all of Charlie's financial aid, only approximately 25% was from a Federal Loan, the rest being scholarships and State Grants. 

"I'm upset that he got that many scholarships," Charlie's father said in a phone interview. "He doesn't have to pay that back. That's free money, and that's communist."