Hurricane Irene Offended by Ron Paul's Remarks

On August 27-28th, Hurricane Irene arrived on the shore of New Jersey on the East Coast of the United States to much fanfare. But what ended up stealing the show was not Irene herself, but Presidential candidate Ron Paul's remarks concerning the cleanup efforts of the Federal Government.

"You can't imagine how many calls we get because FEMA is getting in the way and they can't get their checks, they can't get their bailout,"

Paul states, speaking of the inadequacy of FEMA in his home district on the coast of Texas which was impacted by Hurricane Katrina in 2005. FEMA is the U.S. Federal Government's "Emergency Response Team", and is sent to aid the states in cleaning up the results of a disaster.

While many congressmen and governors disagreed with Paul's statements, nobody disagreed as vehemently as Irene herself.

"I don't understand," she told Lulzington reporter Chad Bathingsparse, "My goal in hitting the United States, particularly the northeast, is to show that people cannot naturally take care of themselves. Humans NEED a strong government to come in and save them after a natural disaster. They have no sense of community or fraternity with their neighbors."

When asked about other countries, such as those in the Caribbean who don't have as wealthy centralized governments and their reactions to her, Irene had this to say:

"The key difference here is that these countries are, frankly, not living in reality. I mean what sort of people ban together on a local level to help rebuild infrastructure? It defeats my whole point of reeking havok."

Connecticut Governor Dan Malloy called Ron Paul an "idiot" for his comments, particularly in Irene's wake, and followed up by stating that:

"Connecticut is the richest state in the Union currently, and we can't maintain that by spending money to rebuild. If the Federal Government doesn't help us out, we could have to use some of our money to help each other and, by the transitive property or some s***, it will lead to people losing jobs. Nobody wants to lose their job, right?" 

 "See, this guy gets it," Irene continued. "Humans are inherently unwilling to cooperate, which is why they need a government to save them or they would all die. I am here to remind them of that so that the human race can continue to live successfully. Ipso facto, without Hurricanes and, in turn, FEMA, humans would die a painful death."

When asked how the United States survived without FEMA before 1978, Irene simply began cursing at our reporter and began calling him a selfish racist rich white male Christian with no regards for anyone else in the country before proceeding to rape Vermont hard as a Tropical Storm. Our reporter, a black Muslim from Detroit, was confused by these comments.